StuffMyHusbandSays

My Husband says funny stuff. And here it is, in all its glory. #StuffMyHusbandSays #MyHusbandSays #HusbandHumor #shitmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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Husband: I’m bothered by your Pioneer Woman cookware.
Me: Why?
H: Because I don’t know what it means.
#stuffmyhusbandsays

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(I asked if he’d help move a big bulky thing I was trying to heft)
Husband: Sure, I don’t want you to bruise your tender vittles.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(Morning. Not happy dogs are ignoring him.)
Me: Well, I hope you have a good day.
Husband: If hopes and wishes were chimps and fishes, I’d be a zoologist.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(We had beer and fajitas for dinner)
*burp* Oh XX - that’s coming back as tres burritos. #stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(On patio, killing flies)
Me: But why do you use two flyswatters at once?
Husband: Because that’s how you double kill them. #stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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I’m on the phone with the electric company down there (southern retirement locale)… they are speaking very slowly and deliberately. Basically, like I’m a very old Boomer.

I have to say, I appreciate that shit.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(From kitchen) You know what I’ve discovered as I get older? Every meal can be eaten with a big spoon. #thatistweetable #stuffmyhusbandsays

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My favorite thing about slow drivers is when you pass them they go,”Oh, I better catch up” and suddenly remember how to drive the speed limit. Right behind you. #thatistweetable #stuffmyhusbandsays

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(Driving on small town streets) This guy’s making a career out of driving slow. He’s working on his master’s degree in slow driving. #stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(Driving on highway, crossed 4 lanes to exit last minute)
Husband:I call that the ‘Cowboy Maneuver’.
Me: what’s that mean?
H: ‘Cause in your mind, you go, “Yeee-HAAWWWW”!
#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(I’m lamenting the fact it’s such a pain to bring out all the patio cushions so am satisfied with just a few to get by)
Husband: Five minutes of my time is worth every pillow in the world.
#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(…more craziness in the world…)
Me: does Satan toast with Dom Perignon or Thunderbird?
Husband: I’d assume bum wine from a champagne bottle. All lies.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(Watching vintage Superfriends Villains develop their evil plan)
Husband: There’s 2 things I don’t ever want - to put Batman in a cage & have Superman looking for me.
#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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Me: says here your toast needs to be HOT when you put vegemite on it.
Husband: when you have to prepare food a certain way to mask the taste of it, it’s not good.
#thatistweetable #stuffmyhusbandsays

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(Celery/cake joke)

You can’t wash celery down with coffee. You can only wash it down with ranch dressing.

And beer maybe.

Yeah, and hot wings.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(Making salads for dinner)
Me: Would you ever be one of those people who put pickled beets on your salad?
Husband: Hell NO!!! I’d rather take a swing at Jesse Ventura.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(Coughing, sputtering, clearing throat, hacking cough for a good 90 seconds)
Husband in sing-song angry voice: I love getting oh-ollllld! 😡 I just (cough) love getting old!

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable #oldguyproblems

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(Saturday morning. Driving outside of town and waved at guy on a walk, who waved back.)
Husband: you know who that was?
Me: no
H: me neither. But he looked like a guy who needed to wave.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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(March, MN, 59F, it’s not warm enough to exercise outside.)
I’m not going for a walk, it’s too windy and too stupid.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable

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I liked it when that weird kid worked at McDonalds, because then I knew where he was. Now, I have no idea where that f***ing kid is.

#stuffmyhusbandsays #thatistweetable