The Ambrose Light

Satirizing local news & politics in South Brooklyn

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

We are getting word that the latest Aftershock was in fact Staten Island moving 800 feet west to permanently join mainland New Jersey.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Breaking: @ragu4nyc exorcised by a group of quirky elementary school students using the power of love.

Ragusa has been condemned to an eternity trapped in a series of alt-right podcast promo jpegs, a frozen plasticine smile hiding his eternal desperation and embarrassment.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

"What would be do without informed, sane debates where the Democrat suddenly dropped through a trap door halfway through the evening?" said local Civility Association leader Jerry Gassen.

https://t.co/SOYpAoN6r1

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

@JEM_NYC @JustinBrannan We apologize for all the giant robot spiders. On second thought, that bill was bound to be problematic. #WildWildWest

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

We're back, mother duckers.
https://t.co/XtpYDgPE3x

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

We've received word the genie threw in a free subscription to @Grammarly out of pity.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Breaking: @NMalliotakis has found an ancient genie in the basement of Cannon House Office Building and is loudly declaring her five wishes as we speak.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Breaking: Local Republicans finally admit, "Listen, we want to ban the concept of parole, but we haven't made people hateful enough yet."

They added, "You know how we got people to turn on 'Dreamers'? That, but for people who show remorse and rehabilitation."

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

@NancyJoys @leemzeldin @KathyHochul Don't forget the poll that had him up by 17% among people who wanted to get their hopes up.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

New poll by somebody (don't worry about it) finds @leemzeldin leading by 5 points over @KathyHochul among battleground voters at the bottom of a small sewer drain along Colonial Road. "We can win this!!" says Zeldin.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Amazingly, she still lost.

[Nicole Malliotakis @NMalliotakis]

Debating myself at the Dyker Heights Civic Association in #Brooklyn…I guess after his lies were exposed on CBS, Max decided not to show up! You can watch on my Facebook page: https://t.co/Ec8vyQhXe6

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

City Council candidate reveals he is 535 years old.

"What's my secret to looking so young? I act like I'm 5." said Ragusa in an interview.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

In a statement to a throng of impressionable kindergarteners, Nicole added:
"Generosity is important, kids, but not if you have to give something away that's yours."

[Rep. Nicole Malliotakis Office @RepNicole]

While our country is the most compassionate & generous nation in the world, it should not come at the expense & well-being of our own citizens. Read my full statement on @NYCMayor’s emergency declaration here ⬇️

https://t.co/lBxR0XXTeh

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Local City Council hopeful Mike Ragusa: "The bridge in my new logo was not intended to be the Verrazzano. It represents a totally different iconic suspension bridge in Bay Ridge."

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

"Woozie Woofer has ruined Bay Ridge" says local conservative. "And don't get me started on lyin' Powerhouse Pepper!"

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

In a bid for relevancy among the youth, conservatives have vowed to exclusively refer to every local politician by a name from 1930s comic strips.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

@RadiantNYCBaby @MalliotakisGuy @agounardes @NMalliotakis @VitoBruno718 As such, Bail Reform worked. In a just society, we don't hold people in jail and throw away the key over crimes they didn't commit yet. When they do, we try them according to those facts.

And we did.

You're arguing for some weird Minority Report shit.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

@RadiantNYCBaby @MalliotakisGuy @agounardes @NMalliotakis @VitoBruno718 Hey, it's Dan. Since you blocked me, a rape survivor who dared to push back, I'm using an old account.

The suspect in the Subway assault wasn't out on bail from a sexual assault, but a misdemeanor from before the assault. When he was arrested for the sexual assault, he was held.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Subway Advisory: #BayRidge and #Bensonhurst residents affected by subway "delays" are advised to contact @NYGovCuomo and @SenMartyGolden for tardy slips that can be presented to their employers.

[The Ambrose Light @TheAmbroseLight]

Wham! Boom! Straight to the Moon!

Our buddy Gerry uncovers the diabolical conspiracy of women and blue-collar workers that are threatening to undermine the Republican agenda of equality and honest jobs!

Father knows best!

[gerardkassar @gerardkas]

Gournardes announces the ultra left National Organization of Women’s endorsement. What’s next the Socialist Democrats of America. Oh sorry I forgot Barkan already has that one.