Anthony

Ex-Meta/Google. Re-engineering DTC Growth.

fighting suicide.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

find a way to fight against it

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

very strong desire to die

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

Still have suicidal thoughts today.

Need a systematical way to fix it.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

feeling better in the past few days.

the brain can finally think after over 100 days from the trauma in April, though still need at least another 100 days to fully recover.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

the strategy seems working. feeling better by traveling to old friend’s place.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

Bullet train to a high school classmate’s home. Get two benefits:

- better support
- try another place to recover

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

still much better than my situation in april

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

three melatonin every night. still no deep sleep — just hours of lying there while the mind runs loops i wouldn’t wish on anyone.

i wasn’t thinking at all. but the mind just cannot stop the idea of leaving.

daytime, i function but extreme low energy. nighttime is a different country.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

i’ve never been tired in my life. startups, long hours, always high energy — fatigue wasn’t a thing for me.

which is why it took me so long to understand: psychological trauma hits the body. i didn’t know that. i do now.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

by last june i was losing my breath just walking down the street. no gym, no illness — just the accumulated pressure of home, finally showing up in my body. stress isn’t a mood. carry it long enough and it moves in.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

worked hard all these years. the whole point was a good family. that was it. that was the goal.

and in the end — nothing. all of it came to nothing.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

over 100+ days since april, getting better but still far away from full recovery

i guess it would take another 100+ days at least if i finally do get recovered

I would probably never get recovered and disappear from this world

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

at first i had no idea what was causing it. so i ran my own a/b test — tracked how i felt at home vs away.

pattern was clear. the palpitations, bad sleep, brain fog… all eased when i was away from my wife. came back when i wasn’t.

body figured it out before my brain did. some kind of self-protective thing, i guess.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

Due to what said by wife since May 2023: heart palpitations at night, bad sleep, dizzy and brain-fogged during the day. Still worked every day — but running on inertia, not energy. Three years. Writing this down as a record.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

need to figure out a way. otherwise I will definitely die by end of august.

solution is to try different places and approaches day by day.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

the fundamental problem starts as early as May 23. My wife told me a) she does not feel happy when the family gets better, and b) the kid does not need education.

she does not communicate and caused a lot of problems to the family and kid.

I could not focus on work since then.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

stayed in Singapore for a few days. it helped a bit but does not solve the problem.

travel back to shenzhen and it gets more serious.

I need to find a new place to recover.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

better than before. I have a little bit desire to live. but still under danger.

cannot get rid of the urge to die for the whole day.

[Anthony @TheAnthonyJin]

the family issue started may 23. i will write down how i fight it and hope i can survive.