Beau Bockman

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

You smell like a guy's lower intestine? Gross. RT @Lidiamoreee I smell like guy colon... and i am not complaining, #unf

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

When did I stop looking at the @Favstar leaderboards?

When it became a list of condescending teeny boppers tweeting about One Direction.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

I had several nightmares last night. Actually, they were more like night stallions but still.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Next year Google will be using a new satellite camera that can capture things down to 9" in size.

Gotta start watching where I pee outside!

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

RIP Whitney. You sure had a set of pipes. And you could sing too.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

ATTENTION TWEEPS:
Lots of friends and I lost AT&T 3G svc at midnight and are now on EDGE network. Anyone else? SOPA blackout? If so, I like.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

I heard Jimmy Wales once attempted to save a marriage by writing his soon-to-be-ex-wife a string of "Personal Appeal" letters.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

No matter what angle I hold my hand at, the lotion will INEVITABLY unclog itself all at once and shoot all over my pants.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

New year's eve party at a huge club with 2100 people.

I'm putting my mouth on as many party horns as I can.

I have a cold sore.

#WINNING

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

I consider it one of life's little victories when the toilet clogs, fills, and then just as you're reaching for the plunger, unclogs itself.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Trying to decide whether to brave the crowds, traffic, and angry shoppermoms or just stay home and shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

To all you bitching about your families, at least you got to spend Thanksgiving with them.

I had dinner alone.

At a fucking McDonalds.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

TOUCHED by Jerry Sandusky.

That's the actual, real-life name of his autobiography.

I'm not even kidding.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

I have beef with uppity vegans.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Do I just sign this restraining order and send it back in, or do I have to show up for the court date too? I mean, it is a 'date' after all.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Contrary to what the flyer predicted, turns out I actually do want to miss that drag show.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Am I the only one who gets a little hot under the collar when the Australian guy on House says he "needs suction"?

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Well it's "that time of the month" around my house.

Time to switch the calendar to a new page.

Oh, not THAT. Hell no. I'm a dude.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

I would say I did the Lion's share of the work, but I've never worked with a Lion and I honestly don't know anything about Lion work ethic.

[Beau Bockman @TheBeauBock]

Roommate: "That girl looks like a cracked-out Taylor Swift."
Me: "Don't you mean a *non* cracked-out Taylor Swift?"
Roommate: "Touché."