Matt

“Reality continues to ruin my life.” - Bill Watterson

[Matt @TheBedell]

[Tom Brady telling his grandchildren about this super bowl]

Grandchild: oh wow, 25,000 people were there? How many ended up dying?

Tom Brady: that’s not the fucking point of the story.

[Matt @TheBedell]

The first tweet is a known photoshop god people are so fucking stupid

[Melanie King @realmelanieking]

The Epstein files barely scratch the surface. Patton Oswalt says he’s a PROUD PEDOPHILE amongst many other disgusting things. He was even pictured at Comet PingPong from pizzagate and bragged about going on the hunt for children and caught a “tasty morsel”.

He has a children’s movie GOAT that just came out. They are telling us directly who they are yet he is allowed to flourish and enrich himself.

He belongs in hell.

[Matt @TheBedell]

Trader Joe’s is the closest we’ll get to Thunderdome

[Matt @TheBedell]

Damn. All my school photos went to a spank bank?

[Matt @TheBedell]

I’ve always wanted a bar crawl to have the potential for psychosis

[Polymarket @Polymarket]

JUST IN: NYC bar opens for people with "AI" partners, dining tables optimized to dine with your AI companion.

[Matt @TheBedell]

I hope no one ever hates me as much as Chris Collinsworth hates Will Campbell

[Matt @TheBedell]

I think anytime Epstein files leak over a weekend we shouldn’t have to work that Monday

[Matt @TheBedell]

@olesoul57_2 It’s always tasted like hose water

[Matt @TheBedell]

I experienced an ego death at Chilis

[Matt @TheBedell]

Taylor swift produces over 1,000 times the average person's yearly carbon foot print. Here I am still recycling like a fucking dork

[Matt @TheBedell]

Imagine walking down an escalator and being hit by a shopping cart

[Breaking911 @Breaking911]

A supermarket worker tried to take a shortcut by pushing multiple shopping carts down a escalator, hitting a passerby and causing damage.

[Matt @TheBedell]

We live in a simulation

[Kalshi @Kalshi]

CNN partners with Kalshi to integrate prediction markets into its global newsroom.

The first major news network to embrace Kalshi prediction markets.

A new era of media is here.

[Matt @TheBedell]

If you don’t say hi in your email I assume you want me dead

[Matt @TheBedell]

Life was better when I didn’t know the governments secret plans

[Matt @TheBedell]

Co worker: I’m leaving early

Me: have a good long weekend!

Co worker: it’s for a funeral

Me: well fuck me I guess!

[Matt @TheBedell]

It’s pretty annoying whoever has the Epstein files is treating it like it’s an album release. Every few weeks they drop a new single and mention there’s way more where this came from.

[Matt @TheBedell]

My grandmothers funeral will be sponsored by draftkings

[Matt @TheBedell]

Nah I think my English teacher would have wrote a better album

[Matt @TheBedell]

Love when sites try to give you a discount and the two options are like Yes, id like 10% off and no thanks im a fucking idiot

[Matt @TheBedell]

Santa trying not to give away his identity on a date

[claire @rosiekennedyxx]

went on a first date and I asked him what his favorite food was and he said “cookies”

[Matt @TheBedell]

Still thinking of the waitress who told us she wanted to lay in traffic when we said our pizza was cold.