The Drunk Friend

•••••We all have that friend that's always having 1 too many. These are quotes from that friend.

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Some toddler just waved at me... I didn't wave back.

Welcome to the real world and it's disappointments, you little shit. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm no longer a gynecologist... #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Herpes is such a strong word.. I prefer penis sprinkles. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Every zoo is a petting zoo, as long as you're not a pussy. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

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[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

My gf just caught me blow drying my penis & asked what I was doing. I guess "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer.. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Just passed a guy that parked his car in a ditch by the road. I don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring though. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

"Ladies first." Is just a nice way of saying, "Let me look at your ass while you walk in front of me." #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Cop: Sir what's in the bottle next to you? Man: It's water. *hands cop the bottle* Cop: Sir it's wine. Man: Jesus did it again! #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Anal bleaching - 'cause some assholes need to lighten up. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Today, a 12-year-old came up to me & said, "May I please have a cigarette?" I can't believe kids these days! They're so polite. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

People treat New Year’s like it's a life-changing event.. But if your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Dancing is a lot like masturbation. Everyone does it in the comfort of their own home, but only the brave do it in public. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were telling yo mama jokes to orphans!" #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Cop: Sir what's in the bottle next to you? Man: It's water. *hands cop the bottle* Cop: Sir it's wine. Man: Jesus did it again! #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

I'm not just a workaholic... I drink at home too. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Subway is like prostitution. You pay someone to do your wife's job. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

Boobs! Proof that men could focus on two things at once. #DrunkTweets

[The Drunk Friend @TheDrunkFriend]

#iwish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less. #DrunkTweets