Evil Joel Osteen

Parody account. Not actually evil or affiliated with @JoelOsteen Ministries.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Life is good; be grateful to be alive. When you live like that your delusions will bring you great joy.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Don’t be limited by your thinking. You have no idea the horrors which await you.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Don’t be so focused on what you want that you forget to feed your pug for a week again.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Don’t go around thinking a little assplay makes you gay. Limited thinking will cause you to live a limited life.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Don’t get discouraged by the process. It may take a few billion years but that’s a sign God is up to something amazing.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Break out of the limited mindset. You have greatness in you. Your leftovers wrapped in foil are on fire in the microwave.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

God is not random. He’s already laid out the plan to fuck your life down to the smallest details.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Life is too short to let people control you like a sock puppet with their hand up your ass. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

You need people that inspire you and challenge you to go further. But they prefer to ignore your petty ass.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

You may be in a tough time, but don’t magnify your problem, blame others for your problems instead.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

When things don't work out it doesn’t mean God failed you, it means you should think of an easier task for God.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Instead of considering your circumstances, start considering less whining, more winning.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

The reason it’s called the past is because it’s done, and all the prayer in the world won't un-kill the jogger you ran over.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

God is not going to stop every difficulty you face because you are His reality show.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

If you’ll start taking steps of faith into traffic, you will quickly find your heavenly reward.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

When you have a positive mindset, your grin of positivity will become so enormous people begin to stare.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Loss and disappointments don’t change who you are. They just make you an even bigger disappointment.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

Pursue your dreams. As long as they're not scary ethnic dreams that threaten the status quo.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

God’s got your back. But he broke Christopher Reeve's.

[Evil Joel Osteen @TheEvilOsteen]

When you start the day off in Faith, you’ll not only be happier, you will make her sister, Hope jealous.