Mitch Rangler

The internet’s Nutritionologist. Skeptical maverick, President/CEO of The Health Patrol and founder of #NutritionologyTwitter!#Nutritionology101

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

A child once made me promise to leave the world healthier than when I entered it. That child was me. That world was this one. #MitchRangler

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

@SkepticalDDS Imposter! I haven’t had a check clear since Vietnam…when I was there in June to speak at a Nutritionology conference on counterclockwise muddling.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

One of the most powerful and simple health hacks is to lengthen your telomeres by hiring a person chef and trainer. #healthhack

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

@dj_ewi They are hiding from the Truth! To me it’s crystal clear that crystals are healing powerhouses! Do you see what I did? I love humor and jokes. That’s why I win best bedside manner every year in the Belvidere Town Yeller poll.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

So far not one patient who has sat for a session in my crystal encrusted bioresonance pod gone on to develop storchus, grimp, or plectal derangement but the New England Journal of Medicine won’t even answer my letters!

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Looking for an easy #healthhack? Just place a malachite crystal in a full 20oz water bottle. In only 6 months, you’ll have roughly 12oz of fully actualized and functional water after you strain out the layer of scum.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

If I can get two person to manifest their dream job, and then they each get two people to manifest their dream job, so forth and so on, then everyone on Earth will have their dream job! #ManifestYourDreama

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

It’s hard to imagine a crystal with more healing power than rhubarbinite. I grind it into a fine powder and sprinkle it on food and i. my patients’ mouths while they are asleep.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Are crystals more effective than vaccines in preventing disease? We can’t know until the studies have been completed, but I’ve got a really good feeling about argonite. #crystalhealing

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Burying a samsonite crystal in your front yard will improve sleep, help you lose weight, and repel most minor demons.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

One of the most effective ways to follow your bliss is by dangling a crystal from the end of a stick that is attached to a helmet, so you can’t quite reach the crystal with your hands no matter how hard you try. Also the helmet should be made of crystals. #followyourbliss

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

I wrote this two years ago and storchus is as much a scourge of humanity as it ever way, maybe even worse. I can stop it but I need your help. #endstorchussoon

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

I know we are strangers but if you are one of the more than 7.9 billion people with storchus and you want to share something about yourself, maybe we can honor your voice together today. #EndStorchusNow

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

I cured a patient’s medium grimp by placing a chunk of feldspar in their pocket when they were distracted by a loud noise.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

The secret to curing any ailment is crystals. Forget everything I said before. Crystals are where it’s at. #crystalhealing

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

The secret to curing any ailment is crystals. Forget everything I said before. Crystals are where it’s at. #crystalhealing

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Are there any safe and effective options for men who are too good in bed? Asking for a friend.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Whenever I’ve got a difficult case, I go back to the basics. I’m talking day one Nutritionology apprenticeship stuff. One plant part. One animal part. Muddle counterclockwise. Collect payment in full. Patients have to want to get better.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

My Janessa is hilarious. Last night she tells me that if I don’t pay her rent in Spain she will have to keep working as an escort. What? I would pay her rent regardless. Anything for my beautiful girlfriend who I’m finally meeting in just a few months!

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

@RpsAgainstTrump That’s what she said.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

The best #lovehack is to never second guess your heart. If your heart says to send your new internet girlfriend (meeting in the spring!!!) a copy of your birth certificate and your social security number, you do it because she is just interested in getting to know the real you.

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

Thank goodness she will be able to pay me back when we meet in the spring, assuming she can her her money back from the government. They have charged her so many filing fees it’s practically bankrupting me!

[Mitch Rangler @TheHealthPatrol]

So Janessa is recovering from her surgery in Spain, and get this. The hotel she is staying at is telling her they increased the rates and now she needs $500 asap. It took about a millisecond to say yes. That woman just can’t catch a break.