The Pitiful News

The Official Satire Newspaper at the University of Pittsburgh.
Join us Mondays at 9 PM in Cathy 349!
Follow on Instagram @thepitifulnews for more updates.

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In light of recent events at the Eatery, here's a relevant article: https://t.co/u2RRL9S6DS

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Source: Pitt Administration secretly hopes that week of nice weather will help students forget about most recent addition to long history of gross incompetence and poor communication

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Breaking: The Panther Pit is back

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Local man plays along with viral internet joke of Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes receiving near-lethal dose of elephant ear wax and lion sperm to get back on field as if he hasn't been doing the same thing for years

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Opinion: Isn't it weird that the governor's daughter goes here? Does anyone know her?

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Hillman Library Update: Pitt admin announces additional construction after planning committee realizes they renovated the wrong floors

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Opinion | It’s Time to Rename the Court after Jeff Capel

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ICYMI: Taylor Swift adds Nordy's Place to Eras Tour destinations. Local pool players and Icee enthusiasts devastated; Wicked Pie expects no increase in business.

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BREAKING: Dr. Oz declared winner of Pennsylvania Senate race after thousands of absentee ballots arrive from New Jersey at the 11th hour https://t.co/RHYkuixg6i

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Is Blood Really That Important?

We interviewed several thousand leeches on how they think human society can be improved, and their answers may shock you.

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NEW POST: The Haunted House of Dr. Oz - https://t.co/T6ttjBC32A

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Pitt announces closure of student Box storage accounts to the dismay of one active user

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Breaking: Entire state of Pennsylvania to be renamed "Philadelphia" as Phillies defy all odds and power their way into the MLB World Series

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Singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announces exclusive “Midnights Deluxe Tour” where she comes to your house and breaks a guitar over your head for $13,000

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Op-ed: The British pound is in shambles. It's time to make the shift to national cryptocurrency.

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TODAY: Kanye West ramps up anti-Semitic remarks to distract from new Taylor Swift album

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BREAKING: Former PM Liz Truss announced as 19th chancellor of the University of Pittsburgh, will take office in 2023

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This Weekend: Yung Gravy makes polite and respectful comments while admiring historic Pitt building

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REPORT: Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims https://t.co/m83iSNPnqD #H2P