The Stay Sane Mom

Wife, mom, dust bunny herder, and founder of helping the sleep-deprived, soul-hungry mom master her domain be more than just 'mom'.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Hell is FaceTime with a toddler holding the phone.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Ways to make conversations with a toddler more fun:

- Speak only in cartoon character voices

- Practice answering in foreign languages

- End every sentence with "as prophesied by the oracle"

- Accent time! British, Australian, alien, demon...whatever your heart says!

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

8am Me: Let's play a game to see how fast you can put on your shoes.

8pm Me: If you're out of bed when I get back I'm throwing your TV off a cliff and moving to Siberia.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Debilitating back pain is a super fun way to improve your posture.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Describing parenting to a non-parent:
They're so sweet! I can't believe how lucky I am.

Describing parenting to a fellow mom:
So how are the tiny chaos gremlins ruining your life doing? Because mine are reaching their quarterly mayhem milestones waaay ahead of schedule.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Kids declare their best friends by giving each other very important random rocks, twigs, and bits of string.

Adults do it by texting memes with no context.

If you get a screenshotted tweet from me after human bedtime hours, congratulations, I'd die without you.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

I'm not buying this 2022 thing.

This feels more like 2020's second birthday.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Today I accidentally described parenting as "It's like being paid $1M a minute to be waterboarded. You'd never consider NOT doing it, but sometimes you're like ouch why TF am I doing this?".

Welp, guess that currently-childless friend is never going to have kids. #whoops

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

My blood type is O reo.

[Mama Needs A Coke @MamaNeedsACoke]

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Do you ever just cut out the middle man and vacuum the dog?

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Me: Want some food?

1-Year-Old: *log rolls across bed away from me like it's an Olympic event*

Me: Okay, night night.

1-Year-Old: *sobbing hysterically* Foooooood!

Me: *smirks at camera like Jim from The Office*

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

The problem with Nest thermostats:

Me:

*opens phone to turn on AC*
*clears out email inbox*
*watches tictoc dogs in booties*
*checks to do list*
*writes next great American novel via text*

Me, 23 hours later, sweating profusely:

"Why is it so hot in here?"

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

#NewProfilePic

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

An excellent vintage, madam. Short in stature, but full of unjustifiable rage and with subtle hints of satanic energy.

(Me, presenting my toddler with her morning orange juice.)

[The Failure Project @BeFailproof]

For parents, modeling failure is just as important as modeling success. #failure #befailproof https://t.co/v9yYLcxyxD

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Yeah, I can't be the only one on this...
#momproblems #momlife #closetnaps https://t.co/z3Aj4s8eC0

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

I may not be able to do a single pull up, but I can go from standing up to laying on my closet floor without waking the sleeping baby on my chest. #athletics

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

Mom brain is NOT:
Where did I leave my keys?

Mom brain IS:
What's Peggy short for?
...
Pegasaurus?
...
No, that doesn't sound right...

[The Stay Sane Mom @TheStaySaneMom]

If you like being beaten about the head with your own toothbrush while you attempt to wash your face, then #parenting might be for you!