Thuo Kamau

Actor,football enthusiast, boxing enthusiat, arts enthusiast,impressario. Half man half amazing!

[Kwame🤓 @SaucyFCB]

Laporta seeing Alvarez and Haaland available in the January transfer window

[ESPN FC @ESPNFC]

Lionel Messi's full statement retiring from international football 🇦🇷❤️

[FT REPORTS @FT_REPORTS]

That night at the Emirates lessons were thought ⚪🔴

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@themanstil @IamJoe_lOmiat For what? His mother is from Kenya not Uganda.. And there is nothing Ugandans have that Kenyans don't

[R7 @R7notagain]

Ronaldo's ball for Portugal tomorrow, his first game of the World Cup, will be played in golden boots made by Nike. This is a moment I'll never relive again, I'll handle every inch of it with extreme care and attention

[RazedFootball @RazedFootball]

🚨 CRAZY SCENES: Arsenal fans have taken over the streets of Nairobi, Kenya, celebrating the club’s Premier League trophy success. 🏆❤️

[Match of the Day @BBCMOTD]

An ex-official's viewpoint 🔎

Do you agree with Darren Cann on West Ham's disallowed goal against Arsenal?

[Dharper @743Dharper]

Who did this?😂

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@carolmwangi6 @georgediano Idiot.. Tumia akili kama uko nayo

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@jeffgnbi @georgediano Idiot... Buy a brain.. Goons walisafiri hadi Bondo? ... Use your head if you have one... Takataka

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@254Allyi @georgediano Nonsense.. This is the reason why he never attended in the first place.. Any chaos would make him look bad... Those are odm hooligans and ignorant so called fans doing.. Stop looking for a scapegoat

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@itskipronoh Sifuna amesema Rao used to listen to the ground... The ground has spoken.. Hata munyime Babu mic, the will of the people shall be fulfilled

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@_DcpNation Nonsense... Prophets of doom

[Ole Teya @TeyaKevin]

Kijana mdogo sana.

[robertmarawa @robertmarawa]

Oh, man!! Mourinho!! 🙌🏾

Still one on my best press conference, Masterclass!! "FOOTBALL HERITAGE!!"

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@Jokdut_ Hilarious 😂😂😂

[Ifeoluwani @Philopearl_Afc]

Put up 3 defenders to mark Saka next season, then we have a free Gyokeres, Rodrygo and Eze 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

Kaluma’s Russian Roulette: The Night of Manyungulus Mayhem.

It was on November 3rd, in the frosty corridors of St. Petersburg, Russia, when Hon. Kaluma tragically lost his manyungulus virginity in an international scandal that would later be nicknamed Operation Nyashnikov. The United Nations had graciously invited Kenyan delegates to attend the Annual UNCAC Conference.

But Kaluma, fueled by wanderlust and suspicious levels of testosterone, decided to bribe his way onto the list; not to contribute to anti-corruption discussions, but to fulfill his dream of becoming an indigenous tourist from Homabay in the land of vodka and vixens.

Now, Kaluma is a seasoned consumer of Homabay nyash, the dark-thighed Nyakos with sianda-madwong type that comes with obambla scents. But when he touched down in Russia, he was met with yellow-yellow babes with thighs like solar panels and tirries pointed at Ukraine, as if scanning for NATO drones.

As expected of a certified horny village elder, Kaluma asked his Russian taxi driver where he could find women who offer “value addition services” to quench his thirst. Like any good cab guy, the Russian driver Jack Kanderevich knew the drill and drove him to Club Chwoom, the Babylon of St. Petersburg.

Kaluma was instantly overwhelmed. One lady with golden thighs, hips like Hotspot signal, and lips shaped like Eurobond deals approached him. He asked for a quote, and she gave him a figure so high he briefly forgot which house committee he chairs.

“Eeish Omera, Why is it this expensive?” Kaluma asked. The lady replied with a seductive pout: “Because I’m a virgin.” We Ouliskiiaa wapi Malaya fachiin! Kaluma, a proud mumu and founding member of Kumi Bila Brains, didn’t even verify. He paid up and entered the valley of the shadow of Ndethe, ready to taste the instruments of power.

But alas! The experience was underwhelming. Kaluma was sober, but alijipata amelala kwa mtaro. What our boy didn't know is that his dignity was confiscated and his manyungulus was in danger that night.

But I don't think the lady's IKUS was overstretched, according to local milayas who always come out to expose Kaluma, it's said he has a shortsleeved makagare, only suitable for solo practice yani mastabesheen, and even then, he's not assured of satisfaction.

Feeling shortchanged, Kaluma refused to pay. His excuse? “She wasn’t a virgin!” Bro, it’s 21st century, where on Earth do you find a virgin prostitute? Outraged, Kaluma allegedly slapped the lady & forced himself on her with another round of horizontal engineering, Kenyan style.

But things took a sharp turn. The lady left and returned with a squad of eight “ladies”, all with sianda-madwong and suspiciously square jaws. Kaluma, still optimistic, assumed it was God answering his prayers with an orgy. But shock on him!

These were not ladies. They were Russian transgenders, also part of the value addition union. Before Kaluma could even shout “How much”, pants dropped, and boom,,, everyone had RPG launchers in their trousers. Descendant of Jaramogi aliona makagare kubwa kubwa hakuamini.

What followed was a 3-hour reverse engineering session. Kaluma was re-introduced to value addition services biz, but this time, from the receiving department. The bed became a crime scene. He cried in Homabay, but the moans were in Russian.

After the smoke cleared, Kaluma was arrested for assaulting the “virgin” lady. Were it not for swift intervention by the Kenyan government, our beloved son of the soil would still be in Russian prison eating BUTTerNUT soup with scones and reading Putin’s Guide to Discipline.

Kaluma's predicaments should serve as a lesson to those leaders who have a habit of enjoying the instruments of power without paying for it. May Yehova Wanyonyi remember his manyungulus, but again, he deserves it. Kama kawa sisi walala hoi hatuna maoni, Letu Jicho tu.👀

[AFC_Adi @AFC_Adi06]

Myles Lewis Skelly vs Real Madrid (H)

Bossing on the biggest stage!

https://t.co/4yANYbiR6G

[Thuo Kamau @The_Real_Thuo]

@UTDTrey Who's laughing now? 🤣🤣