Zeus

Son of Cronus. Father of Athena. King of the Gods. Favorite show: Hoarders

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

I made my first bagel batch in two years. Or should I say two...schmears? Thank you thank you. Dave Attell's up next.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Hera ate beans. Keeps asking me to produce thunder to cover up her poots.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

The hashtag #hiphopgods should be singular and the answer is Chuck D. This is coming from an actual fucking god.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Can I get second-hand shame from the guy masturbating next to me at the library?

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

My son Hephaestus is so ugly, Rocky Dennis gave him an Dr. Zizmor gift certificate for Christmas .

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

@Degrell I'm in New Jersey! WHO STOLE MY FUCKING TRUCK AND DROVE IT TO SWEDEN?!

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

@forrestsimmons "Loved you in Network."

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Who's gonna portray me in the next version? Dane Cook?

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Sir Laurence Olivier portrayed me in the 80's "Clash of the Titans." Now Liam Neeson? Thanks for the demotion, jerks.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

They say I sample / but they should sample this / my LIGHTNING BOLT.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Questioning my omnipotence?! You are now shackled to a rock for eternity. #whatwereyouthinking

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

@Degrell Cool! You found @lisajanepersky AND Dennis Hopper's curly-haired brother!

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Persephone! Please return from the Underworld! I'm freezing my ass off.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Every female mortal on Twitter. #twitterhump

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

In memoriam, I am wearing a rubber band in my beard. #RIP Captain Lou

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

No matter how huge you get, Carrot Top, you will never be invited into the Pantheon.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

As it has always been, Persephone returns to the Underworld and Autumn begins. WORLD SERIES TIME!

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Welcome, 14th follower. You are joining an elite community that, while small, has refined taste in- AW FUCK. You're a goddamn squirrel.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Remake of "Clash of the Titans" in the works. Liam Neeson as me. Great. Expect a fucking midichlorian explanation of my god-like status.

[Zeus @The_Real_Zeus]

Just the sound of her voice makes me start "bobbing for apples."