Thedaytoday

Car drives past window in town

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Stretch pants linked to outbreak of cretinism.

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The Day Today - slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.

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Sheffield Hysterical 3, Chunky Norwich 1. Richmond Artithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie match postponed due to bent pitch.

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The Lincolnshire village of Vladny is tonight recovering from a gravity quake during which the Earth's pull was reversed for seven minutes.

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“Gita is 15 and now because of heavy electricity she’s only eight inches tall. She can’t speak, but she must feel quite dreadful.” Nick Owen

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Coming up - more cathedral dumping in Leicester

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Herman the Tosser is not someone who's invaded my own particular consciousness

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Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie - match postponed due to bent pitch

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Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight.

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The gay elements are Potassium. Zinc. Hydrogen. Copper. And Argon.

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Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48M. They are all gay as of midnight tonight.

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Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: When I drive my car, I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'. I will walk...

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Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: An old man stands naked in front of a mirror, eating soup. He is a fool.

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Tomorrow the new Bank of England 5 pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once.

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Euro MPs new headsets play the sound of screaming women

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Leicester man wins right to eat sister

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Sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise

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Bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth.

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Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without breasts. Hélas.

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Weather: Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh.