Thee Coffee Table

Watch your toes!

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@Sparkle_Lynn Oh calm down, cry baby

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@_imYummiie So happy to be part of the family!

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@house_of_darkly Sometimes it costs extra for the good stuff 😉

[The Dad @thedad]

Teenage Jesus: [walks into home after long day]
Joseph: close the door, what were you raised in a barn?
Jesus: [muttering under his breath] born in one-
Joseph: What was that?!

[The Dad @thedad]

[In-laws house]
Me: *breaks wishbone*
Wife: make a wish!
Me: *closes eyes*
Wife: what did you wish for?
Son: [comes into kitchen] can we go home?
Me: *smiling* oh nothing

[The Dad @thedad]

Just took the Myers-Briggs type indicator test and it turns out I'm 𝐓𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃

[brandAn is good @LeBearGirdle]

My hands sweating as I grip the sides of the chair, awaiting my inevitable death by electrocution... but I am calm. The judge allowed me to choose my executioner. "Throw the switch" the judge says, I smile one last time. "My pleasure", says my local Chick-Fil-A cashier.

[The Dad @thedad]

*olive garden*
Waiter: what can I get you toda-
Me: I need to borrow $80
Waiter: what?
Me: *grabs him by his apron* when you're here you're family

[The Dad @thedad]

Move your child's bed 1 inch further from your room every night and before they notice they are living next door and are no longer your responsibility

[The Dad @thedad]

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@peternorthfelt Dont ask questions you can’t handle the answers to

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@cubsphan76 YOU PIECE OF SHIT. THAT WAS MY BROTHER

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@fineassdiamond Sounds like your son almost died. I will try to watch where I’m going next time

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@hawtwyre @RahulKohli13 You rang?

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@_jordiey_ Make it a sign. I don’t wanna get carved up.

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@lovelarrieuxx If people would just LEARN HOW TO ACT, we could table thus whole discussion

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@MandaLo21 You keep pushing me away but I know you want me closer. Give in to temptation

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@hannah_clauss If you can’t handle the pain, watch out for my grain. I’m coming for your big toe next

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@sarcasticspice_ Luv u 2 bby

[Thee Coffee Table @TheeCoffeeTable]

@JordanPerryHart You may as well dig yourself a grave now. I AM COMING FOR YOU!