Thomas LaMountain

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Sitting on the toilet while last night’s Taco Bell screams “REMEMBER ME?”

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Everyone wants a warm embrace until it comes from a public toilet

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

I hate when nepo babies are asked about their hidden talents. Bitch, what’s your talent?

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

If you’re embarrassed of your Spotify wrapped you have a few weeks to get it out of your system

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

All I want for Christmas is a Phiten necklace

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Has anyone hokey pokey’d to completion recently?

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

BREAKING NEWS: People with necklaces for their vapes are no longer allowed to vote.

[Seth Rogen @Sethrogen]

🐢🐢🐢🐢

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

@HuskGuys Watch women’s husker sports and you’ll be a lot less disappointed

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

@HuskerSoftball @UNLincoln is a women’s sports college and you can’t tell me different! Congratulations @brookeandrews_

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Sour Patch Kids
Sour
Sweet
Your mother and I are getting a divorce

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

I’m like a distant father when it comes to sports. I don’t care about the regular season, but I’m always there for the big stuff

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Why are French fries and curly fries different colors?

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Am I falling in love with the person doing my manicure or do I just need my hand held?

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

All I’m saying is if the YouTube video is at 1.5x speed so should the ad

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Life Update: today I texted my ex and listened to “Gary Come Home” on the way to work.

[Room 2 @Room2Boys]

We hung out with the creators of Randonautica! Check us out on their show: https://t.co/JKclGhkGiW

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

Fitness hack: eat celery and workout at the same time

Burns twice the calories

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

The lady in front of me at Cane’s just ordered the chicken sandwich. About to make another citizens arrest

[Thomas LaMountain @ThomasLaMounta2]

I’m PRAYING the Chinese rocket launcher takes me out on reentry