Carrey The Cable Guy

Freak of nurture. Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Underwater carnival enthusiast. Purveyor of sentence fragments.

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

@Laebelv1 Nice stolen joke

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

The Menu is just Willy Wonka with adults

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

@MrBallen #MrBallenGiveaway

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Original Twilight Zone but we replace Rod Serling with Lance Reddick

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

If I ever prematurely ejaculated again, it'd be too soon

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Kinda wanna see Shrek kick the Grinch's ass

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Schrodinger's Christ is theoretically both alive and dead simultaneously until the stone is rolled away from his tomb

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Bri'ish people really do capture the imagination in a way no other mythological race can

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Thanksgiving is going great so far. My mom and her brother are in the living room plodding through stilted attempts at conversation. She just inquired about the health of his prostate. Can't wait for turkey.

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Everything bagels imply the existence of a theoretical "nothing bagel" which exists unseen within a quantum vacuum yet will eventually doom us all to entropy by swallowing all matter from our universe into its insatiable cosmic maw

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

@MattyMoFlow I gotchu bro

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

I would very much like to be in the upcoming feature film Jackass Forever. My plan is to toss brightly-colored venomous frogs at everyone on set and simply state "Guys... I'm IN Jackass Forever now" and just see if they let me

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

God helps those who piss themselves

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Every sprinkle you picked off a cosmic brownie and discarded awaits you in hell when you die

[Sam Morril @sammorril]

Just asked a woman where to get a good lunch around here in Bridgeport, CT. She pointed to a Dunkin Donuts. I laughed and decided to explore for 20 minutes. Here I am back at Dunkin Donuts.

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

I'd like to know how long this surreal corporate nightmare of "pursuing a career" will last before I awaken to my true existence as one of three white guys on a moderately successful dirtbag left podcast

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

Party Rock is in the house tonight. It has always been there, concealed in the shadows. An invisible witness to your every rhythmic breath as you unwittingly slumber beneath its malevolent gaze. It will make you lose your mind. It just wants to see you shake that.

[Carrey The Cable Guy @ThriftySystem]

The garbage men shake their meaty fists at the night sky, cursing my name as they find I've duped them yet again-- the trash bags are filled with soap and lilacs. They will find no feast tonight.