Not Tim Cook

This account is a parody and not affiliated with Tim Cook or Apple Inc.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

We were running out of ideas for new products, so we started combining the iPad with everything else.

iPhone Duo = iPad + iPhone

Homeview = iPad + HomePod

Next up: iPad + MacBook.

We think you’re going to love it.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

@mrtechsense That was the plan.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

We made the iPhone 17 Pro bright orange so that we can easily identify those who haven’t upgraded to the iPhone 18 Pro.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

@imparkerburton That was the plan - shaming people into upgrading!

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

Introducing AirPod. We’re now going to sell each AirPod separately to increase shareholder value.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

@techactually Excuse me?

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

Now that Apple has a new CEO, it’s no longer “Steve Jobs wouldn’t have allowed this.” It’s now “Tim Cook wouldn’t have allowed this.” Good luck to John Ternus.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

The iPhone Duo was designed for right-handed users. If you’re left-handed, we suggest you become right-handed.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

We made the iPhone 17 Pro bright orange so that we can easily identify those who haven’t upgraded to the iPhone 18 Pro.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

If you don’t adapt your iOS app to the iPhone Duo, we’re going to increase your App Store tax from 30% to 65%.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

Incredibly proud of John Ternus for increasing the price of the new iPhone. He’s going to be a great CEO.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

Even though it’s my last day as CEO, I will remain on the board to ensure that Apple continues to raise its prices, regardless of who the CEO is.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

Apple’s global water consumption will increase due to the AI-powered features in iOS 27. We therefore ask you, our loyal customers, to drink less water to offset our increased consumption.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

If you’re wondering why there isn’t a black iPhone 17 Pro, it’s because we plan on releasing in 6 months to boost our stagnant sales.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

I can’t remember the last time I blinked in one of our videos.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

The only reason we listened to you all and made a matte black MacBook Pro after all these years is because we’re desperate and under pressure from the shareholders to increase our lacklustre Mac sales.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

I’m bored of Apple.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

I’m financially ruined.

[Mark Gurman @markgurman]

Apple CEO Tim Cook’s pay will fall over 40% in 2023 (from $99.4 million to $49 million) after shareholder feedback and a recommendation from Cook after that feedback. https://t.co/qTtGmiAYz7.

[Not Tim Cook @TimothyCookothy]

We sell the same shit every year. Even I can’t tell whether these phones are from this year or last year…