Toast Protocol

Former sixth grade chess club champion

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

🎵Highway to my comfort zone🎶

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

@positivelysober hey do you guys have a swimming pool in the facility?

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

@positivelysober hey do you guys have a pool in the facility?

[Eli McCann @EliMcCann]

Hello. All of the actors from Friends are now older than the youngest Golden Girl was in that show’s first season. Have a nice day.

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Do you guys think Amber Heard would go out with me now?

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

men would rather spend $44 billion on Twitter than go to therapy

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

One good thing about still wearing a mask at the store? No one can tell how hard I'm breathing after carrying a 35 pound tub of cat litter across every aisle #blessed

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

He's my therapist
But he must never find out
How much weed I smoke

-haiku

[John Ales AF™️ @IAmJohnAles]

Ghislaine Maxwell didn’t kill herself. (getting ahead of this)

[Pee-wee Herman @peeweeherman]

Today would have been Large Marge's 84th birthday... if it hadn't been for that WRECK! 🚚 👀

https://t.co/kJ8BJgEgJ2

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

COME AND FIND ME LADIES

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Remember that year when everyone had antenna balls on their cars? What the fuck were we doing

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Was Franken Berry the name of the monster or the creator? And why create a strawberry-themed abomination against God in the first place? Does he know Boo Berry?

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

I hate the mayor from Jaws so much it's almost hard to watch the movie #blessed

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Just added "My Therapist" to the list of people I'm constantly disappointing #blessed

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Ok I was joking the first time but it looks like they really should have left Britney alone.

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

You die because you refused the vaccine = me refusing to go to your funeral #blessed

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Fuck I had forgotten about this until now goddammit

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Today at work I said the word "tippy-top" for some reason and now I have to think about that every night for the next 40 years #blessed

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Ancient juice in fridge
Your straw was lost years ago
No one can drink you

- haiku

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Look at this handsome sonofabitch on his stupid birthday

[Toast Protocol @ToastProtocol]

Kiss me I'm vaccinated