ThoughtsOnTheToilet

Things I think about whilst on the throne

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

I’d like to see retired adult film stars in Hallmark Christmas movies.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Can’t DM that account.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Hey @FlyFrontier your prices are great, but your policy about mistaken cancellation is hot garbage. Maybe have some understanding or leeway about some things.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@FlyFrontier It won’t let me DM this account

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Hey @elonmusk could you buy the TSA and let us keep our shoes on now?

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Where the fuck is @anthonyjeselnik
2020 needs you.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@ChazzyMack #CouldUseABeer

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@RandyMacAttack #CouldUseABeer

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

If we’re gonna be locked up, ya have to make sure you’re comfy. #Secretlab for the win!

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@CoorsLight Where's your #area51 inspired can? How are we supposed to pregame the madness?

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Moses would have been terrible at mosh pits but wonderful at walls of death.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Candles are just fire pets

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@comcastcares How do I get someone to come bury your cable that is laying across my front lawn even though I don't have service with you? Not sure my lawnmower is going to play well.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Ladies. Sit on your mans face. Waterboard that bitch. Make him your Guantanamo bae.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Pooping when it's humid out is what I imagine breakfast in hell is like

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

Just wanted to throw a yuge shout out to my boii Isaac Newton for creating gravity. That shit tite yo. Thanks dood.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, shit outside.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

@chrissyteigen #volcanolivesmatter

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

"Look at the legs on that one!" He exclaimed staring at his wine glass.

[ThoughtsOnTheToilet @ToiletLogic]

I'd never want to pull off facial hair.
That's why I have a razor.