Codename: Cookie Raptor

The name/account was setup by a friend as a joke.. stop thinking about me on the toilet.. pervs..

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

That time I almost fell face first into my dog's 💩 while running uphill wearing socks and sandals to keep him from eating it? 😂

#SocksAndSandalsWasMyFirstMistake
#StillClean
#NotTodaySamwise

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

When you haven't played #Ultimate in 3 years, but decide it's time to dust off the cleats. Literally.

#DiscIsLife
#IHopeIDontBreakMyself

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

The only reason I put away laundry is so that I know where my underpants are. The rest is just part of the process.

#WhatAreYouEatingUnderThere?
#UnderWhere?
#Gross!

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Post interview anxiety energy be like..

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

That workout was awful.... but I loved it?

#ThisDoesNotMakeSense
#MyLegsAreHaters
#HatersGonnaHateLegDay

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

When your gut says no, but your head says yes...

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

14-week Java Full Stack Development Bootcamp complete! Now onto the hard part...finding a job use I can use these skillz to pay the billz. Y'all.

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

By far the most used feature of the Google Home in our residence: "Hey Google. Where's my phone?"

#RingRingGoogleCalling
#ItsNotTheToddler
#ItsMe

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Builders of homes in our community: "Hey, you know what would be hilarious? Let's make every light bulb socket in the houses a different style!"

Me a few years later : "Well played, jackbags. "

#CabinetFullOfBulbs
#AndMyHomiesDoToo
#ThisIsNotEfficient

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

#InstantRegret

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

This sip of hot chocolate brought to you by "This drink is so hot you'll regret having a mouth."

Hot is in the name. You'd think I'd be smarter by now.

#HotLavaInMyMouth

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Can we all just agree that people who like to eat sausage are separate from the people who like to eat peppers? There's surely a large population that overlaps..but I am not in that category.

#PeppersAndSausageCantBeAloneInARoomTogether
#KeepYourPeppersAwayFromMySausage

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Realizing that America's Funniest Home Videos is *kind of* like the first Snapchat.

#RipBobSaget
#SnapchatBeforeThereWasSnapchat
#ImOldShutUp

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

#IwasTodayYearsOld when I found out that Short Round from Indiana Jones and Data from the Goonies is the same actor.

#TodaysFact
#DrJonesDrJones
#SettingBootyTraps

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

When it comes to cold pizza there are two types of people:

You either love it, or heat it.

#BaDumTiss
#ColdPizzaIsOK
#PineappleIsNotOK
#ISaidIt

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

The #ChocolateChug :

When your Chocolate milk expires soon and you need to drink it all NOW.

#NoMilkLikeChocolateMilk

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

We've watched Cars so much lately that my bedtime routine includes closing my eyes and saying, " Sleep. I. Am. Sleep."

#ToddlerLife
#CarsIsKing
#AllTheLittleCrabbiesHaveGoneNightNight

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Me: "Oh man, I'm making good time. I've never not hit these light off this exit!"

The Universe: "SCHOOL BUS!"

#TheNotMagicSchoolBus

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

Drinking chocolate milk out of a coffee cup is torture. Like some sort of water dripping on your forehead for hours torture...because that's about how fast you can drink the chocolate milk.

[Codename: Cookie Raptor @ToiletThoughts]

If you're out of glue and tape, but need a sticky substance...Just use toddler snot. That junk sticks to e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
#HeardItFromAFriend
#ImTheFriend