Tommy Patrick B.

All the wit and wisdom of Thomas. (Unbeknownst to the Twitter-loathing man himself.)

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

You know when you gotta poop but carefully squeeze a fart out around it? So then you can hold it longer? I call it Shootin' the Maze.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

These Crocs are great! So much support.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Did David Bowie ever have sex with a guitar?

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

The stocks were down this week, so I knew it was either terrorists or the solar flares.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

The Times they are a-changin. Gabby our little Chi-Town devil. We knew it was coming.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

On Jack White's Lazaretto:
How the fuck can these bitch ass figs not acknowledge this rock masterpiece?!

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

It's strange to be makin a bean dish this late. They're gonna be poopin' all night. Or fartin.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Accelerando!

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Thoughts on Facebook & social media:

Why have I conformed to this remedy of society? F fb!

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

I always get that little buzz up my spine that tells me when I've edged too close to the line, like a little pup with an invisible fence.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Randy Quaid is the best thing that happened to film, especially comedy.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

John Paul Jones grooved puss, Plant wrote and sang shit like no other, and Jimmy riffraffed the fuck out of shit. PEACE YOUT.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Keep up the Chef-Boy-Ardee and you're sitting on a gold mine of stinky poo poo farts.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Bangin like a biscuit, baby.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

If you need somethin sweet to snack on, you can always snort your own boogers. It's perfectly legal if you dont pull them out and back in.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Ouch, mama, ouch! Somethin's stickin' in my thigh!

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

On G. Gamache: "G. is a mist. G. is imminent."

@The_G_Genie

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Red and yellow makes orange. Citrusy. Red and blue makes purple. Sweet jelly. Blue and yellow makes green. Very bitter spinach.

[Tommy Patrick B. @TommyPatrickB]

Shove the veal in the socket. Shove it so far up the socket that the baby's a deer.