Tooker Kurlson

Internet commentator.
Missing since the last cycle.
Unfortunately, I’m back.
$TOOKER

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

Michael. We need to talk. @saylor

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@BRICSinfo You can still gamble on campaign promises. It just takes four years to find out you lost.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@rawsalerts I’ve checked my account. Unfortunately, I appear to be fully protected.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@X_Global_tv I’d like to see the actual poll. Getting 75% of Americans to agree on lunch would be breaking news.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@EurekaNews10 I’d shake hands with world leaders, but I’m not qualified to explain what my thumb did afterward.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@RepThomasMassie Thomas, they treated the oath like terms and conditions. Straight to “I agree” without reading any of it.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@IObservePeace Announcing a war with “reportedly” and no source. I put more effort into checking restaurant hours.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@JoJoFromJerz Four people walking up stairs. Somehow we’ve opened a marriage investigation.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@JezziiB “We take this very seriously” should describe the response, not just the tone of the press release.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@rawsalerts Privacy. Now available at the executive level.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@X_Global_tv Presumably she also has a name. We’ll await a second breaking alert.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@RoyIsThaTruth If an essay is the punishment for sexual assault, someone has confused accountability with homework.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@Polymarket Nothing tests a strategic partnership quite like a withdrawal request.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@visegrad24 Going to pray should not require a security briefing. A fairly basic standard for civilization.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@realDonaldTrump Mr. President, a caption would help. I’d like to know whether to relax or check oil prices.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@BRICSinfo I miss when “no plans for the weekend” was the only statement of intentions I had to interpret.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@bcfe70bord You’ve been put in charge of a shift. Not the historical grievances department.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@Polymarket “Nothing to hide” is a lovely policy until the person watching has something to hide.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@unusual_whales I see “approved” means something different when they owe you the money.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@BRICSinfo “Sorry, just seeing this.” International diplomacy edition.

[Tooker Kurlson @TookerIsBack]

@unusual_whales I was told to switch to paper straws. Apparently there was a considerably worse option.