Hat Trick

Bachelor's in silliness with a minor in tomfoolery.
Almost went to a party Matthew Broderick was at one time

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If i have to spend another minute traveling through the boonies with my reception cutting out every 5 minutes im guna blow my brains out

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I like to tell people with dyed blonde hair that I like their hair

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Bro why did my pulmonologist think I do coke this is like the 4th time a person thought I did coke do I give that vibe?

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End Of Beginning was written and sung by the mf from Stranger Things???

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Look if I'm being honest I'd like my meat raised as unethically as possible. I would like chicken to be a dollar a pound. If u gotta torture the chicken to make that happen then it is what it is

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@chesscom chess

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Getting day drunk at the holiday office party makes work fucking awesome. I should be drunk at work every day

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I do hate corporate minimalism but I AM glad dominos' pizza boxes are more subtle. I dont want no one knowing im buying this shit

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I hate it when im trying to message someone while im at work and theyre not responding. Like brother if u dont respond I have to do my fucking work do you understand how cruel youre being

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Just watched a hallmark movie where the couple kissed THREE times at the end. Didn't realize hallmark was making adult films these days

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My tenure just got extended. Can't fucking believe I have to wait another month to be unemployed

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@DougFisterFan I could be convinced

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Just found out guinea pigs can get scurvy. This world is sick and twisted

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Ppl who say they like donuts then specify cake donuts drive me up the fucking wall. So you like cake then. It's like saying you love cake but only ice cream cake

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@DougFisterFan All autists love sonic everyone knows this

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Office politics are fucking ridiculous btw if I wana eat like 4 fucking donuts from the free donut stack and no one else wants them let me fucking eat them without judgement u freaks.
Im still guna do this i just gotta be all sneaky abt it

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@DougFisterFan I told u its bc they literally all get back from vacation 25th or 26th u schizo

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Ik yall stupid mfs still buying Taco Bell bc other ppls prices go down periodically when they get too much inventory but bells keep rising like the tide

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Mfs who say I have no culture get AWFULLY quiet when I wiggle my fingers and say "dont mind if I do" before eating a sweet treat.

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Citibike revoked my bike angels status! They cant do this to me!! Dont make me go back to being a fucking commoner!!!!!! I'm an ANGEL