Torg Hammerstien

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

I remember when static cling was one of the biggest problems this country faced.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

Movie idea: "The Lone Gunman"
Frank Stallone plays an aging man who is in the business of loaning guns by accident when he was once asked if he "works alone" and misinterpreted it. Now he must stop a loan shark from loosing a lone shark on a newly built port.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

Movie idea: "The Transporter"
Portuguese wine maker Terry St. Nicholas must decide between chasing his dream job of designing maritime regions for small countries or switching genders.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

My girlfriend told me to exfoliate my skin but I misheard her and foliated the fuck out of it.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

VR porn. LSD. Viagra. You are welcome.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

More Dabney Coleman. Less everyone else.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

What's the point of a meet AND greet. If I meeted have I not also greeted?

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

It's crazy to think that if we were different we wouldn't be the same as we are today but rather be as we are then as different. This isn't to say we aren't as we were as much as who we could be if not as we am as we are now.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

"Bitch better have my money!"
-Ferdinand Magellan

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

If my cat can show his asshole to the world why can't I?

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

Everytime I look in the mirror I simply feel I am staring at a reflection of my own self.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

"All the lettuce you can eat, dog." I still wasn't sure I could trust him. "Is it crisp? Does it have a good crispness?" I asked. He looked at me dead in the eyes. "Crisp. As. Fuck."
I smiled. This was going to be a hell of a parasail lesson.
-Excerpt from upcoming novel

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

Protip for #CBD. Smoking destroys it but adding DMT and cocaine to your joint may protect the molecule from heat. But to play it safe, keep the weed in a bag and just use the DMT and coke which will have similar but more accurately vastly different effects. #health

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

I've started a gofundme to raise money to develop a competitor to gofundme.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

It's hard to argue with people who think they are smarter than you just because they can read and write.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

The measure of a man is how many donuts you can stack on your rod. And how many donut holes shove in your hole. I'm 3 and 18.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

Is there such thing as a bathhouse? As in not a gay bathhouse? Because if not gay then why?

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

I used to workout before I learned meth keeps you lean.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

My penis is overtly cumulative.

[Torg Hammerstien @TorgHammerstien]

If I was a computer programmer and it was almost lunch time I'd say loudly "I'm chomping at the BIT here for lunch." Can't wait to get a Byte to eat. ". Then one of the cool office guys would throw coffee in my face and smash a mug on my head because I suck.