Total Mom Life

Mom. Professional. Inspired by coffee. Laughing at myself and my kids, because it's less messy than crying

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I tried to threaten my kids with Santa putting coal in their stockings, and instead spent 20 minutes explaining what coal is and what it’s used for

Kids 1, Me 0

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

My 6 year old is learning to spell. He asked me how to spell cloud. I told him. He insists I’m wrong and has gone to ask his 8 year old sister instead.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

“Well it’s nice to see you off of the couch”

If that comment from my 8 year old doesn’t perfectly describe my pregnant work-from-home life, I don’t know what does

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

@riteaid Why is being an educator now the only qualifier that will work in Pennsylvania? Over 65 isn’t working anymore, or state qualifying health conditions

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I am slightly disturbed by how skilled I am at responding to my kids in a satisfactory way to them, having them move along, and me barely noticing they were near me and having no clue what they said. My work from home skills are apparently top notch.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

When your 7 year old sends you a text.... but instead of “phone” writes “thong”

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I just told my kids they can stay up for another 5 minutes if they do 20 burpees first. Who needs gym class when physical exercise can be used as bedtime currency

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Would you rather have a spouse who never puts a bag in after taking out the trash? Or one who never takes out the trash at all?

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

My kids now respond to grocery deliveries as enthusiastically as they open presents on Christmas morning. Strange times.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Two months ago I was so bummed that we didn’t get any snow all winter in the Philly suburbs, and therefore no snow days. Touché planet earth. Touché.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

If you can’t watch Trolls at least 5 times in 48 hours during this pandemic, then you’re doing something wrong

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Being in a happy marriage means it’s totally cool when your husband suddenly starts a home project turning off the water for the day. I haven’t showered for 2 days and just finished a workout, but that’s meaningless compared to the joy of loving him.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I was about to call my kids out on forgetting to drain the tub from their last bath... but then I remembered I’d be outing myself on how many days it’s been since I’ve showered

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Thoughts and prayers to every person who has never had to cook Easter dinner on their own before, and now has no other choice.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I keep seeing people hanging out on TV and getting agitated that they’re too close... and then I remember that’s pretend life and was filmed long before social distancing became the norm. Just when I think I’m handling this quarantine okay...

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I’m realizing the only reason I ever wanted to socialize was because I suffer from a severe case of FOMO. Now, knowing nobody is doing anything either, I have finally found my true happy place. That, and because I can wear leggings all day every day.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Once a week I make my favorite meal for dinner. It’s been confirmed that nobody else in my family likes the meal. So they have yogurt or make sandwiches instead. And I get to eat my delicious food for dinner, lunch the next day, and dinner again. Life is pretty darn good.

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Husband: my calves are going to look so good from the peloton

Me: I’m going to look the same because of my f*^%*ing thyroid

Husband: what’s a thyroid? Dudes don’t have thyroids right?

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

Me: buys pedialyte in case the kids get coronavirus with a fever and need to stay hydrated

Husband: drinks said pedialyte to fight a hangover

#priorities

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

I found hair gel on the brake of my peloton:

Me: Neither of you are in trouble, I just need to know who did it?

Both kids: Wasn’t me!

Me: You’re not in trouble, but sit down and nobody move until one of you admits it

Both kids: It was me!

Kids 1, Me 0

[Total Mom Life @TotalMomLife]

My kids never flush the toilet, even when they’ve pooped. I told them that each time I find un-flushed poop in the potty, I don’t care who did it, they’ll both owe me 5 burpees. It’s 11 am and they’ve done 10 burpees each already. That means they’re both guilty right???