Trending 5-a-side

Reviewing a five-a-side team made up from the current names in the trends.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: John Major
Def: Toby Young
Def: Frank Ocean
Mid: Sam Smith
St: Greta Thunberg

Toby Young isn't as good as he thinks he is, turns up in full kit.

Ocean tries valiantly, doesn't understand passback rule.

Little known fact, Thunberg is a wiley goalscorer in the Maradona mold

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Rolf Harris
Def: Adolf Hitler
Def: Jimmy Saville
Mid: Tony Abbott
St: Gary Glitter

.....yeah, nah, no jokes for this one.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Jacob Rees-Mogg
Def: Nicola Adams
Def: John Boyega
Mid: Rishi Sunak
St: Alan Partridge

Rees-Mogg arrives in full kit, holding a ball from the 1920s complete with thick, front facing stitches.

Partridge plays LIQUID FOOTBALL and must have a foot like a traction engine.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Chris Whitty
Def: Adam West
Def: Darren Grimes
Mid: Colin Farrell
St: Batman

Whitty a safe pair of hands in the sticks, tries desperately to keep the defence organised.

As is always the case wherever he appears, everyone is confused at Darren Grimes' presence

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Peter Shilton
Def: Harry Maguire
Mid: Vince McMahon
Mid: Owen Jones
St: Michel Bariner

Debate rages about if Owen Jones is a decent left winger.

McMahon shouts "WHAT?" after every "man on" call.

Bariner thinks we're paying too much for the pitch.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Jay Z
Def: Steve Bannon
Def: Al Capone
Mid: Tom Hardy
St: Postman Pat

Bannon furious with their left winger.

Hardy thinks you merely adopted midfield, he was born in it.

Pat always delivers.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: David Seaman
Def: Joel Glazer
Mid: Andrew Neil
Mid: Cher
St: Michael Gove

Andrew Neil starts on the right wing.

Joel Glazer knows some quality lads, proper talented, they'll be here next week, promise.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Bill Murray
Def: Nick Gibb
Def: James Williams
Mid: Spider-Woman
St: Barack Obama

Bill Murray smokes as balls go in.

Nick Gibb presents post-match presentations on why his positioning was excellent.

Obama tries to charm the referee.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Henderson
Def: Thiago Silva
Mid: Scholes
Mid: Seedorf
St: Gnarby

Oh, day one and we've peaked.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Claudio Bravo
Def: TreySongz
Def: Michael Keane
Mid: Gavin Williamson
St: Brad Pitt

Trey said he wanted to play as close to the back as possible.

Gavin Williamson said he was going to turn up but changed his mind.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

GK: Loris Karis
Def: Tiger King (Joe Exotic)
Mid: Ryan Kent
Mid: Edwina Currie
St: Spotify

Currie wanted to go in goal, said she'd "seen the 2018 cl final"

Joe can't wait to get stuck in to Baskin's team.

Spotify never pays subs properly and goes down too easily.

[Trending 5-a-side @Trending5aside]

Gk: Mrs Brown
Def: John Major
Mid: Kai Havertz
Mid: Carole Baskin
St: Ronald Koeman

Team name: Mrs Brown's boys.

Our most talented team yet.

Baskin a ruthless tackler in the middle.

John Major taking care of the boring, but simple stuff at the back.