Erika

I'm like a drunk gazelle.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Dog Masseuses Without Borders takes me away from my family a lot but we are doing God's work.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

I made the difficult choice between Twitter and pursuing my dream to be a dog masseuse.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

@BDGarp Ok fine but if you refer to your bedroom as "where the magic happens" we're done here.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

I will never want a tour of your new apartment.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

It's just the right kinda night to strap on my bread dough bodysuit and lie in a tanning bed so that it rises around me like love.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

I would sell you and your family into slavery for a ranch dressing.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Feels like 2014 is a weird guy eyeing me at a bar & making me uncomfortable but if he offers to buy me curly fries I'll probably say yes.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Cats don't wear makeup because they're naturally beautiful.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

All guys named Brad are secretly insecure about having the word "bra" in their name. We pretend we don't notice but we do, Brads.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

The best decision I made in 2013 was the $120k master's degree in finger puppetry I got online from Finger Puppet College USA.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

@senderblock23 no they left but then they came back again but then they left again but they'll be back soon they're just running an errand.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

So what are the people twooting about today in this chat room?

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

I need a list of people I can force to give me back massages. This bus driver sucks at it. Yes I'm talking about you Lyman. Eyes on the road

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Chase your dreams! Seriously. Stalk them online. Follow them when they move to LA with some girl named Denise who isn't even as cute as me

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Sometimes you just gotta lie on the floor of a Target eating mini donuts and pondering butts.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

You can tell Batman swishes his little fanny when he walks so that his cape billows more.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

Ask not how you can party in the USA, ask how the USA can party in you.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

A stranger's baby looked me in the eye today and raised one eyebrow, like that's even an ok thing to do.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

It was 2 years before I knew that my roommate Marcelle was a raccoon. He sure did love trashes and rabies, but you can't just assume.

[Erika @TrolleyCat]

A fun activity is taking the harness off someone's seeing eye dog and putting it on yourself then seeing how many years until they notice.