TrumpDBA

I think the only difference between me and the other database administrators is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful. Parity Account.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

SET NOCOUNT ON

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

In order to make Data great and glorious again, I am announcing I completed the online application process to get my job back.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! After many years of working with data, radical developers will become AI-curious. This must be stopped!

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

After months of not returning my texts, suddenly my former coworkers want to speak to me again?

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Most DBAs struggle with getting restores done, especially for large databases. But it's always been easy for me, I just have to think about it and its done.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

As a DBA, some say the best DBA ever, really, I know better than anyone how easy it is to have data stolen from a database. That's why I keep the important stuff on paper, and place it where people aren't likely to look. SECURITY BY OBSCURITY!

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

The data was classified, and possibly there were some nuclear codes and stuff, but it’s not like I stole PII data or violated the GDPR because I’m a professional.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

She changed her code a couple of days ago, and with it, her database performance totally changed. SHOCKER???

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

"’m the f’n DBA, take me to the data center!"

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

The dev is going into the database, storing JSON inside of XML. You gotta say, that’s pretty savvy. How smart is that?

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

DataOps is a complete disaster. Nobody can be this stupid. BAD!

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

New guy ran away during a production issue instead of following the plan I had left for him to follow. A plan that protected our data AND our code! The devs no longer have fear or respect for the DBA.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Good news! I can simply be reinstated as your DBA, and this will happen!

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

The dev team has, for whatever reason, also refused to produce the network routers. You want me to tune your query? Well, we want the routers, Sonny.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Do you miss me?

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

#Eurovision voting is a fraud on the American public. This is an embarrassment to our country. We were getting ready to win this competition. Frankly, we did win this competition.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

The entire database has been DELETED! This is illegal! At some point it will be impossible to recover!

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do things right, I’m here to tell you all the ways you did it wrong.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls and databases are made from Mexicans. I love Modern_Spanish_CI_AS.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

Any DBA turned developer is a stone cold loser.

[TrumpDBA @TrumpDBA]

After you reboot the server, run some queries to load your biggest tables into cache, making response times GREAT AGAIN for your customers!