Ted Humor

No matter how sad I am...I will still make you smile & laugh. (No affiliation with Ted). Parody

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't except it back.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Everything I like is illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I believe in hate at first sight.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I always have to wet my toothbrush, put the toothpaste on, then rewet my toothbrush in order for me to brush my teeth.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Wishing my friend's houses were connected to mine by secret tunnels.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

If spiders ever realize that people are terrified of them, we're f*cked.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I don't see dead people, I see people I wish were dead.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Secretly hoping that bitch will step on a lego.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Sometimes i wonder. Why am I alive?

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Don't ask for my opinion and get mad when I tell you the truth.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

I hate when people don't know how to whisper.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

"Want my last piece of gum?" - Said by no one, ever.

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Boy: "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

*being tickled* In movies: Aww! Stop it!“ *giggles* In reality: IF YOU DON’T STOP I WILL CHOP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF“

[Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor]

Normal Person Flirting: "Hey, babe(: what's goin on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that shit."