Turtles

Used to be going for greatness, now just going for mediocrity

[myles brown @mdotbrown]

Shohei Ohtani is an amazing case study. Imagine the diabolical things Michael Jordan would get into if he could pretend he didn’t speak English

[Green Can @aGreenCan]

i gave a mouse a cookie and he just Wept

[John Wicker Park @phonybone]

I’ve pooped in gas stations you wouldn’t even pee in

[Tom Petrini @RealTomPetrini]

Tim Duncan working in the post:

[Jose Canseco @JoseCanseco]

Happy Mother's Day to everyone except you know who first name is a last name rhymes with fraud

[Charles Curran @charliebcurran]

Every Chicago group chat i'm in has asked for a video of the pope walking out to love sosa

feels important

[Vernon Maxwell @VernonMaxwell11]

Please if the Rockets win tonight I will dedicate my time this summer teaching Utah Jazz fans how to read, write, brush their tooth, use deodorant or whatever those goobers want.

[fanfan! @fanfan]

call her AI the way she makes me generate slop

[AT @BaseballWRLD_]

“They’ll never play baseball” have you ever seen a left-handed relief pitcher

[Masters Burner @ANGC_burner]

Rory McIlroy.

[Gabe @melchizedek420]

Hit the typewriter nigga

[alice ❦ @barabajagaI]

if i don't talk to my girlfriend every few minutes i start seeing the hat man

[david c. porter (read NTTN) @toomuchistrue]

one year ago today, the carp suddenly swam differently. do you remember where you were?

[Smiling Ghost @PhrygianWeaver]

I'm not asking you to become Chinese. I'm saying, when the time is right, you will look in the mirror and already be Chinese.

[+EV Bettors @EVBettors]

Crazy how we’re all people but live such different lives

[𝕯𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉 Moroz @Dread_Botlord]

Jokic heard Pink Pony Club and cried a single tear because he too understands what it’s like to be trapped in the middle of America dreaming of hanging out at a horse related venue.