͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤

for booking/inquiries: my mom wants to talk to your mom first

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

It’s always bothered me that 66+44 doesn’t equal 100

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

If u get a LOAN at a bank, you’ll be paying it back for 30 yrs.

If u ROB a bank, you’ll be out in 10 years.

Follow me for more financial advice

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

I just checked my bank account and figured out that I can live comfortably without working for the rest of my life as long as I die on Wednesday

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

I tried to say “I’m a functioning adult” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult” and I feel like that’s probably way more accurate...

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

My body after I stand up too fast:

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Tell me this doesn’t look like Drake and Napoleon Dynamite had a kid

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Mood

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

So I googled marine animals, and I am not disappointed...

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Amazing artwork created using only colored pencils!

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Comedy is evolving

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

What’s so impressive about working a part-time job? 🤔

[DailyRapFacts @DailyRapFacts]

Bryson Tiller has spent 20 hours in the studio this week so far 👀

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Nobody:

Jeff Hardy:

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

“THAT’S WHAT”
-SHE

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

This is what the internet was made for

[DAVID DOBRIK @DavidDobrik]

Miranda Cosgrove and Josh Peck reunite after 4 years

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again"... unreal

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

when your car is electric, but you only smoke gas

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription we’re both stupid

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

brain: break it

me: why?

brain: you gotta

[͏ 𝕋𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕤 @TweetsAhoy]

Tyga: rack city bitch rack rack city bitch

9th grade me: ten ten ten twenty on yo titties bitch