Suburban Dad

Regular dad trying to survive the craziness of raising kids. Tweets are meant to be sarcastic... I swear I love my kids. Most the time. #DadsArePeopleToo

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Spit up on today 👶🏻✅ Sat in pee on couch today🚽 ✅ Get diaper blowout on my shirt today 💩✅ I'd say my bucket list is coming together nicely

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Day I have been dreading and wasn’t expecting to come this soon happened today. I had to explain to my 4 year old that we have to put down the family dog in coming weeks because of sickness.

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Same kid same bathroom was dipping and playing with her binky in the toilet earlier this week. 😔🤦🏻‍♂️🤷‍♂️ https://t.co/85tLBajHSW

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

One year old disappeared for about :30... I found her! 🤦🏻‍♂️ #DadLife

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Daycare had “Donuts with Dads”🍩 today, I ate 1/4 of one (because I am trying not to be fat Dad) which means my daughter had almost 2 donuts, then I went to youngest daughters room just to say hi 👋🏻 and made her cry and throw a fit that I wasn’t staying. #DadOfTheYear

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Sunday was brought to us by the letter P... Pee, Poop, Puke...we had it all. Cheers to Monday! 🚽💩🤮

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

One year old disappeared for about :30... I found her! 🤦🏻‍♂️ #DadLife

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

There’s a little girl in my daughter’s class named Starburst. Just thought you’d want to know.

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Wife “Are you gonna pick up the house a bit today?”
Me “Nope.”
Wife “Alright no sex for you.”
Almost Four year old daughter “No sex for you?”

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Kids asleep an hour early. Me: “Oh man, we haven’t been able to sleep this early in forever!” Wife “Heck yeah!” 🛏 Roll over look up from phone an hour later.... wife on phone too. 📱 🤷‍♂️ 💤

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

#GirlFort aftermath.. this is my life.

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Excellent job by daycare helping a three year old wipe! 👀 💩

[Lindsey Silver @EvenTheDogsABoy]

Blew up balloons for the boys today. The 9yo got an orange one and the 3yo didn't.

3yo: I have a surprise for your balloon! Can I see it, please?

9yo: Sure!

3yo: *runs to the basement, pops orange balloon with a screw, runs back up*

3yo: Here. *walks away*

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Quick take a poop everyone is napping!! 💤 💤💩💩

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

How's everyone's afternoon going... #MinesJustPoopy

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

3-year-old: Are dinosaurs real?

Me: Yes.

3: Where are they?

Me: Dead.

3: Are dinosaur ghosts real?

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

When you're a parent taking a 💩 becomes a spectator sport.

[Inside Martyn's Thoughts @Mr_Kitney]

Saw a teenager so absorbed into her phone that she walked into a low lying tree branch 😂

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

When the flaps on diapers break Dad has to be creative. #DucTapeFix

[Suburban Dad @TweetsFromDads]

Cheers to the weekend!

[Parents @parents]

Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen Second Pregnancy Announcement
https://t.co/9VmHtkuIoq