Catholics: Peter was given the keys to The Church by The Son of God and therefore he is The Stone
Orthodox: “The Son of God??” What do you mean? He was always just God!
Protestants: There are some things going on in The Church I don’t agree with!
Mormons: Some fuck-ass in Utah looked into his hat at some magic plates no one else is allowed to look at and it turns out he’s got it all figured out, and he’s right- but you can’t question him; oh and this definitely isn’t witchcraft or the work of the devil by the way.
Also this definitely isn’t just an excuse for him to fuck everybody else’s wives and this definitely isn’t a cult.