Ty Cutt

Don't let this bio fool you.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Guy who decided to be more spontaneous in the new year still trapped in this goddamn shaft.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Please follow appropriate procedures when discarding your old fuck me shoes. They are destroying the natural reproductive cycle of animals.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

If I keep avenging my father's death before he dies, no one will be able to kill him. I beat the system.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

You don't have to be butt naked inside the nutrient jelly. It can still seep thru your face. Put some damn pants on.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Is there a depressed tree out there dreading that it will have to spend an eternity with me inside it?

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Hate all show off spiders. You don't need to build a silky cathedral to catch a housefly. Look, I smashed one with a honey bun.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

The only honest title for a dating advice book is "All the Normal Ones Are Taken".

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

You can see the face of Jesus on this McGriddle and Vatican is paying me handsomely to shut the fuck up about it because of his man bun.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Social media or not, it was easier to stay on top of the news when people used to write songs about what was happening down in AAAAfricaaa!

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

That which does not give me heartburn makes me hungrier.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

In space no one can hear you scream but they all still judge how stupid your face looks with your mouth wide open like that.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

It's a shame you have to wait for some stupid kid to go missing to form a search party.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

I need to have a few words with the fucker who assured me "You can put lipstick on a pig."

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

If I were Spiderman, I would have called myself Snakeman and aggressively insist that I got my powers after a radioactive snake bit me.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

I think this can of whup ass has gone flat. It just tickles.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

You ever hunting Nazi treasure but then get an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that it'll turn out to be friendship?

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Feels like the biggest Fuck You when a cartoon animal can't talk.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Imagine a city so fucked up that its best kept secret is not a small family-run restaurant.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Chill, there is no longer any need to worry about the post-apocalyptic wasteland, I just ordered the How It's Made box-set.

[Ty Cutt @TyCutt]

Pretty sure I'd have been left with ten sad stumps by now if I had to twirl my hair around my finger to flirt.