Tyler Fett

2 Corinthians 8 : 13 - 15

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

The lie I've told most often in my life is "leave your name and number and I'll call you right back"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

So is just one called an "Egg Benedict" or are more than one called "Eggs Benedicts" @MerriamWebster

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Remember, Pope said it's not a sin to eat beaver during lent

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

@PresentWitness_ You and your wife can just do it at home in a bathtub, you don't even need to give the doctors a chance

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

"Why do you have a pickup truck if you're just using it to commute back and forth to your office job? Compensating much?" asks the apartment-dwelling Husky owner

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Wiggers are anthropologically cetacean

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Corporate America: "How do we stop losing so much money from the people constantly stealing all our stuff?"

Consultants: "Well for starters, you've got way too many cashiers for a company no one's buying from"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Corporation: "That'll be $1.06"
Customer: "But the sign said it's $1.00"
Corporation: "Yeah... but the tax"

Corporation: "Here's your paycheck of $650
Employee: "But the sign said "$1,000"
Corporation: "Yeah... but the tax"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Chief of Wizard Police: "Look Harry, I know tensions are hot, I know he killed your parents, but we've been over this... you can't use the V-word when making an arrest! "

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

@themandalore9 They could really save paper by just printing the "Either we skirt regulations to hastily build a nuclear power plant in your backyard or we 10x your electric bill and shut the power off in the summer" ballet measure on the back.

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

So you know how some babies are born with a full head of hair? Why doesn't that ever happen with a mustache?

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

@themandalore9 "Lol, broke-ass bitch only pays $2.50 for milk 🤣"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Maya Turney

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Yes Google, when I type in "China Moon" I am in fact a caveman doing research on the Chinese Space program and not looking for the Asian restaurant down the street. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

My first day at McKinsey: "You know he's just doing that boulder thing cause his enclosure's too small and needs more enrichment, right? Try adding a tire swing, maybe get him a friend or two, he'll be his normal Sisyphus self in no time"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Weekends are for finding old comments on music videos like "Who's watching this in 2018" and replying "me"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Aren't all editions limited?

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

At Disneyland, you know it's pretend and they know it's pretend, but if you run around telling everyone it's pretend they'll kick you out. So long as you don't do that and just follow the rules, you'll have a magical vacation.

Anyways, consider Pyongyang for your next holiday

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

The most unbelievable part of any futuristic movie is when they turn off the autopilot like that's still gonna be an option

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Me: "Oh god, I'm a clone?! Just kill me, shoot me, please!"

Clone Me: "No, I'm the clone! Shoot me!"

[Tyler Fett @TylerTheFett]

Hear me out @ColdStone , HotStone and you heat up a marshmallow and fill it with toppings and stuff