Tzejokem

a Chasid living in Brooklyn trying to be a good Jew and catch some laughs on the way. Musband of @Tzejokes

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

When your wife goes through your phone and steals your memes.

[Tzejokes @Tzejokes]

👇👇👇

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Friend: *posts on his WhatsApp status Thank You Hashem!*

Me: Did he also donate to your Charidy campaign?

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Someone needs to tell the President that Minneapolis is not an insurrection.

Kiddish in my Shul without Gala would be an insurrection.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

FYI, do NOT under any circumstances call your Chasidishe wife, “my baby momma”.

Now I know!

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

@arilehmann The look when he’s thinking about feeling up a Frum man.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

@JackKaplanNY @FrumTikTok Even if the story’s not true you can still hit up Shalom for a hand job.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

@FrumTikTok The famous Shalom Rand.

If you’re a Frum Faygella call him for a good time!

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Question: What do you call a Gerrer Commandant in English?

Answer: A Sexton.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

I identify as Somali.

Give me your money.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Hispanic guy walks by me and spits right at my feet.

Me: “Why you spitting at me?”

Hispanic guy: “I just had to spit.”

Me: “Then why didn’t you spit next to the Black guy?”

Hispanic guy: “You think I’m crazy? He’ll kill me!”

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

@I_Love_U_God @hasidic_1 He loves their Chochma

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Palestine is a lot like lingerie.

In theory it seems like such a great idea, but then you realize you just want to get it out of the way and get to the real deal.

[Mark Rowley @MarkWRowley]

NAILED IT 💪

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

It’s embarrassing and frustrating, but my wife is totally not afraid of me.

But then yesterday we were walking on the street and a black guy yelled at us, “F*cking Jew!” And she grabbed me and ran.

Turns out if I start wearing blackface my wife will be afraid of me.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

If I ever want my wife to change all her clothing all I need to say is, “You’re going out like that?”

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Me: Rabbi, if I have a tab open with Torah on it can I take my phone to the bathroom?

Rabbi: I’m not sure if you’re allowed to take it out of the bathroom.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

You can always the henpecked men…

…they take the fruits by the dessert table.

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

Reached into my pocket to hand someone my business card and by mistake handed my wife’s OBGYN appointment card.

Don’t tell her…

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

What’s the obsession with Trader Joe’s?!

[Tzejokem @Tzejokem]

First time at Litvishe Shiur today.

Took me most of the Shiur to figure out what a Meegoo is!