UnitedStatesSenate

Sorry, I suck!

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

BREAKING NEWS: It's been confirmed that every senate member is an imbecile! Between this news and the recent gun violence, we're overjoyed!

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

I am proud to announce that tonight I will rest well with a certainty that I have paved the way for even bigger and better violence to come.

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

It is imperative that we divert our attention from any significance and answer the question: Fifty Shades of Gray, an American classic?

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Democrats are too soft on crime. They should follow the Republican example and condone mass shootings.

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Our founding fathers were inherently wrong. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness actually means guns, Jesus, and white supremacy.

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

We are in fact serving the American public. Think about it this way: what would news be after all without a little good-hearted tragedy?

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Guns don't kill people, we do!

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Our primary goal is not to serve American citizens. It is, in fact, to undermine Barack Hussain Obama at the expense of human lives.

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Don't you see? If only that on-duty police officer at MIT was carrying a gun then perhaps he could have used a tactic we call "self-defense"

[UnitedStatesSenate @USASenate]

Sorry citizens! Lately things have been going too well in the gun violence dept. to make changes. Our apologies! Message approved by the NRA