russell

3rd fastest kid at recess in fifth grade.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

You’re never truly an adult until you buy a printer.

[Kris Jenner @KrisJenner]

I just sharted myself. That's when u fart and u shit yourself on accident!

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

My hot take?

Those instagram ads for games kind of look fun

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

I’m a carpenter and so was Jesus, but due to technological advances I can arguably say I’m a better carpenter than Jesus.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Don’t worry guys in the next Olympics they’re planning on doing sub par tweets and I got gold on the way.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

All I wanted was a gay dad and a thot mom.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

But your honor he was ✨back on his bull shit✨
*whispers to stenographer*
“Do you have the sparkle emoji on that thing?*

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Russell vig, reporting for bullshit sir 🫡

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Probs gunna get wine drunk and get my face painted at the fair.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

I need something funny to say *checks notes* oh wait I’m sad

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Shiiii girl, I’m just out here working on houses, got me thinkin’ bout working on us boo.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

“It’s definitely not made of cheese”

“Glad to get out of that spaceship Buzz ate to many gogurts and keeps farting”

“Uhhh guys I’m REALLY high up, you guys look like ants”

“Oh wow the earth really isn’t flat”

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

55 years ago today, July 20th 1969 (nice), we set foot on the moon. Neil Armstrong said as he took his first steps “That’s one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind”

Which went super hard.
But I think he should have said something cooler.
Here are my suggestions:

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Last night my sister gave me a bowl of grapes whilst we were doing a crossword.

Ate about half. Then I found out she snuck a cherry tomato in with the grapes.

The absolute betrayal u feel when u think ur eating a nice sweet grape & bite into a cherry tomato cannot be explained

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

There too many generic names, “Elliot”, “Jared”.

Give your kid a battle name at birth.

Like “Tank” or “Shadow”.

Make that kid believe he’s the chosen one.

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Just had a half hour long conversation about the Shrek 2 dvd.

With the bonus features, you know where they have a full on Shrek American idol, with Simon cowel.

And you get to vote.

Anyways the soundtrack is a banger, I’m about to buy the cd

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

*would

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

I wish more people should give me their niche friendship circle tea.

I live for the drama of people I have a degree of separation with.

Adds fuel to the tank ya know?

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Is somebody gunna match my freak?

[russell @Uhhsurebro]

Me: good night moon

Moon: goodnight

Me: goodnight stars

Stars: goodnight

Me: goodnight Farmers Insurance

Farmers insurance: WE ARE FARMERS BUM BADUM BA BUM BUM BUM

[Nicky @lilNickyTCG]

Babe, wake up. Shrek 5 was just announced