It didn't kick in until I had everything and then lost it all. At any given moment I could be 40% happy, but I will also be 60% sad. Real hopelessness fills the voids. If you aren't absolutely distracted, you are depressed absolutely. Time makes it worse. It does not get better.
Having a mental illness means you have to live your life constantly micromanaging every emotional state. You can no longer simply experience life as those around you do,
You need to be on constant guard against relapse. It does not improve. It does not get better.