UsefulInfo

I’m here to provide you with useful advice that you cannot get anywhere else.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@LandOLakesInc Hi! In light of the new @starwars film coming, could you please hire @realbdw to be your spokesperson and feature Lando on your packaging? I would definitely purchase Lando Lakes butter.

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@Reuters This is great! Glad to see that Washington is finally helping out people in the Central Time Zone, but they need to make sure they don’t neglect people on Mountain Time.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

Took my son to the doctor because he had the trots. Doctor said something about a diet - not really sure because I wasn’t listening, but then it sounded like he called my son a brat. I gave the doctor a piece of my mind, but he kept blabbering about bananas, rice and toast. smh

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@NBCNews That’s why I eat lots of pizza.

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@nytimes Not that hard. 1) dir C: 2) look for the directory called MED_DEBT 3) cd C:\MED_DEBT 4) del *.* 5) cd .. 6) rd MED_DEBT

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@washingtonpost My neighbor Carl has shorts in that color that he likes to wear, so this color reminds me of him. Carl also borrowed my lawnmower and still has yet to return it, so this color also reminds me of the fact that I want my lawnmower back.

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@Reuters In Mortal Kombat, this would be the point where the game yells “FINISH HIM!!!” at you.

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@NBCNews I think the US Postal Service should be free to charge whatever it wants to handle your package.

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@TIME It shouldn’t be my neighor Carl. I let him borrow my lawnmower and he still hasn’t given it back.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@shonfaye There is no need to boil your urine. It is generally considered to be fairly sterile. Naturally, if you prefer boiled urine to fresh urine, feel free to do as you please.

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@PeterEgan6 Does this mean that vegans won’t be allowed to talk about it at work? Because I think I could support that. Can we add CrossFit to the list of religions as well?

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@wes_beau @NJTRANSIT NJ Transit was much better in the 80s. Then again, so many things were.

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@jameelajamil @BBC What about the airbrushed mural of a wizard on the side of my van? It cost me like $500 to have that done.

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@business Your move, @bing.

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@CBSNews Don’t worry. Never in history has a child listened to a single thing said by a substitute teacher.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@Reuters Paul McCartney claimed the same thing. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone.

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@Reuters Maybe our problem is that we hire soccer coaches, while every other country hires football coaches.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@latimes He looks nothing like Dora.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@CNN It’s about time. It seems like everything is made for right handed people. Time for those of us who are left handed to get a little respect.

[UsefulInfo @UsefulInfo4]

@NJGov @NJTRANSIT @RMHSNJ Having kids ride NJ Transit? Might as well ask them to start doing their own taxes, getting their cholesterol levels checked, and worrying about choosing the right mutual funds for their 401(k). @NJTranshitt @njtranshit @FuckNjTransit