Veteran Comic

Oh me? I'm just an old veteran of comedy.

Conceived by @GaryGulman
Jokes by @GaryGulman and @MrSeanSullivan

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@timmymac HE'S TELLING EVERYBODY

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@LesterDiamond28 what the fuck is a podcast?

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#VeteranComic turned off the tv. "What the fuck is a Russell Peters? Nice v-neck, ya homo." His answering machine beeped. Weekend cancelled.

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#VeteranComic stares at a picture of his kids he never knew. Tears in his eyes, he turns on the tv. "KEENAN IVORY WAYANS? FUCK THIS GUY!"

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#VeteranComic smirked. "The alternative to what? Comedy?" He pushed his sport coat sleeves a little higher. "Bunch of Fallon lovin fags..."

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#VeteranComic came upon a picture of a younger man with a joke written across his face on a thing called Reddit. Now it's his new closer.

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#VeteranComic got to town early and went to an open mic. Found the host and introduced himself. The host put his name on the list, 37 of 43.

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@GaryGulman @briankoppelman @robertkelly Barry Sobel?

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#VeteranComic goes to KFC and asks for the Nancy Kerrigan - 2 small breasts & a battered thigh. Clerk does not laugh. "What? Is she here?"

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@LesterDiamond28 some comedy club waitress showed up at the #veterancomic's doorstep with twins so he's been out of the game for six months

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Much like the #VeteranComic's act, this account hasn't seen very many new jokes.

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"Every year! Ellen dancing! Jay Leno stinks! When will @AndyKindler mention me so I can be relevant again???" - #VeteranComic, every year

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As is his tradition, #VeteranComic is spending the week of the #JustForLaughs festival at the bottom of a bottle somewhere near Des Moines.

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#VeteranComic calls his manager, then his agent and then his entertainment lawyer screaming. "After 25 years, you can't get me New Faces!?"

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A argue@ss R's

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In 1995 Krusty the Clown lost all his money betting on the Washington Generals. In 2013 #VeteranComic remembered that and put it in the act.

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The #VeteranComic looks on twitter and sees that SCOTUS struck down DOMA and inspiration strikes. "SCOTUS... SCROTUM... Where's my guitar?!"

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On a hot summer day, when the hotel has a pool, the #VeteranComic knows no greater pleasure than whacking it to hot young moms on vacation.

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To #VeteranComic, Lenny Bruce is his hero, Ellen Degeneres is the one that got away, & Buster Poindexter is the host of his last tv spot.

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#VeteranComic rants onstage about people watching "Keeping Up with the Lard-assians"; submits tape for non-celebrity edition of Wife Swap.