Vicious Baking Tips

I'm so much better than you. At baking, but also everything else. Can you even read this?

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Wanna make something fast to take to a holiday party?
Craft the story of how you failed despite going to a good college!
Or cracker candy

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

"flaky layers" is something that happens when you put a lot of butter into your pastry
not how you explain away your young actor fuckpiece

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Want to bring something sweet to a holiday gathering?
You could have brought your baby, if you'd had one.
Anyway, bring booze

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Try giving dough a little extra rising time for an airy loaf. That is, if you haven't eaten the raw dough while sobbing nude on the floor

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Try a savory tart at your next gathering! Your guests will still notice your horrifying dandruff, but at least they'll have something to eat

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Chocolate peppermint sandwich cookies are a nice holiday surprise, and a great way to temporarily divert attention from your adult acne.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Having trouble getting your pizza dough to rise? Have the same trouble with dicks? Think about it.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Looking for a gift that the baker in your life will truly love? How about leaving town and never calling them again?

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Want to know the secret to effortless cheesecakes? Here's the real secret: Everyone wants you to shut the fuck up.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Serve coffee with your dessert at Thanksgiving! Your tired guests have worked hard pretending to care about your boring-ass conversation

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

It's important not to roll your pie crust too thin. That's probably difficult for someone of your massive weight. Have a normal person do it

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Yes, you CAN bake moist cakes with applesauce instead of oil! It won't stop your husband from continuing to sleep with prostitutes, though.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Making pizza dough? Don't forget to add interest with some dried herbs. Also don't forget: you're completely unlovable, you desperate whore.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Looking for a way to say "I love you?" Try spiced shortbread! Or try getting up off your doughy ass and looking for a job for once.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Don't get confused with baking terms! "Leavening" causes the rising process. "Leaving" is what your spouse did when he smartened the fuck up

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Everyone knows that raised yeast rolls make a table seem homey and inviting. But do you know how to use deodorant? Doesn't smell like it.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Looking to impress the in-laws this season? Try a home-baked, rustic panettone. Your family's still trash, though.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Nothing beats the taste of fresh grated nutmeg. Except maybe the feeling of true love, which you'll never know. Not with that fat ass.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Looking for a brownie recipe that will make your mother stop saying your conception was an "accident?" It doesn't exist.

[Vicious Baking Tips @ViciousBakeTips]

Planning to bake a vegan treat to take to a holiday party? Who are you kidding? Nobody invited you to any parties, you diseased hippie.