Carson Cash

Actor, comic, writer, Taurus, Enneagram 3, lover of life. Karma believer. Life’s what you make it. ☀️🌴🌈💕

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Don’t you think Antarctica should be “The Land Down Under” and Australia should be “The Land a Little Down and Off to the Side” ?

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

If anyone controls the weather it’s Miss Taylor Swift

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@finnslxt You mean Speak Now? 😢 literally 1 song for most of the tour 😭

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

When an ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ episode is all about the Roswell crash but for once you’re completely disinterested because you already solved it by watching all the other Roswell documentaries ever. Catch up guys geez 🛸 💅

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Look the facts are these. Tim Walz went to get pizza after the debate, sources are telling me JD Vance went to refresh his eyeliner and drink human blood. The sources are me but I’m pretty reliable. I’m not saying he’s a vampire, but I’m also not not saying it. VPDebate2024

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Rome was so nice, after conquering the Mediterranean and most of Europe, they built 230 colosseums for them cuz they were like you guys need some fun games and entertainment. Why are we not at least building Dave & Busters or Chuck E Cheeses while we steal our oil.

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@mariabamfoo I’m available now!

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

I really never thought my old person thing would be getting upset about not having physical menus. Don’t make me scan a QR code I’m tired.

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Dancing with the stars 2024: Let’s get Anna Delvey! She’s on parole right?

Dancing with the stars 2025: Do you think we could get the second attempted Trump assassin? Or the shark from Jaws’? Oh the Titanic iceberg!

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Watching ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ in the dark to prove to myself I’m not.

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

I wanna be a ghost they get credit for the bare minimum, oh they pushed a ball, they opened a door! A ghost says ‘leave!” Everyone geeks out. I tell people to leave and I’m automatically a jackass. And so what if it’s in the middle of Harry Potter World. It’s a double standard.

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@AtsukoComedy My step father gets paid big bucks for consulting thank you for asking the tough questions I never had the guts to ask 😂🙏🏻 what even is it what do you really do 😂

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@tscrazier The way he looked bummed he didn’t get to listen to it first though 😂

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

When your phone makes a photo montage called “Together Forever” with your ex bestie…I’ve been told your phone listens to you so either it’s doing this on purpose to hurt me or it’s filling the role of my parents and completely ignoring me. Either way it’s going out the window.

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

I am a loyal friend- in real life I will fight a bear for you blindfolded while jumping in front of a bullet, paradoxically in a haunted house I will use you as a human shield, trip you and leave you for the scare actors to feast on your flesh

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Kamala Harris has a once in a lifetime chance to use Hannah Montana’s song ‘Who Said’ during her campaign for President. Imagine her walking out on stage…
🎶Who said, who said
I won't be President?
I say, I say
You ain't seen nothin' yet! 🎶

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@Hugooliverw Who’s afraid of little old me

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Watching true crime.
“This material may be disturbing.
Viewer discretion highly advised”
Me:

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

Wow loving your dad 🥲 what a beautiful, albeit foreign, feeling to me

[Nate Morris 🥥🌴 @_natemorris]

Gus Walz yelling “THAT’S MY DAD!”
😭😭😭

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@folkmirrorball Karma

[Carson Cash @WCarsonCash]

@Hugooliverw Reputation, Tortured Poets Department, 1989