Wallace Noe

Hapless baby boomer Wallace Noe is the main character in Eric Peterson's novel Life as a Sandwich.

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Weigh in on Wallace's dilemma: heaven or hell -- being married to a professional hotel concierge.

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Alert: Dirk Junior and Baby spotted at that Rancho Bernardo Inn, San Diego, attending "From Here to Happiness" seminar.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Memo to Seattle from Lenore: enough of the coffee culture thing. Just stop already. We get it.

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Dirk Junior is pretty much a guru on California wines: red with meat, white with fish.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Wallace knows what to do if he's ever stranded on a desert island. Start a barbecue. People will show up to give you advice.

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"If you're rich enough," Owen Andersen said to Wallace, "every restaurant's an all-you-can-eat."

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Wallace bought a businessman voodoo doll on e-bay. He's going to stick it with pins and put it under his desk for Michael Merksemer.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

After a day on the freeway, Wallace has a theory: if you fail the driving test, they give you a Toyota Prius.

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Wallace is testing a new theory to increase his metabolism: chew on lots of bone-in rib-eyes, extra-rare.

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"Let's get Grandma a scooter chair!" Tiffany said. "Nah," Wallace said, "I don't think she'd like that."

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Owen's a hero. He replaced Audrey's phonograph needle, and now she can listen to Perry Como again.

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Hannah told Wallace she couldn't scoop the cat box while pregnant. Twelve years later, Wallace wonders why he's still scooping the cat box.

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Baseball is just around the corner. Wallace wonders what ever happened to the days when you could smoke a good cigar at a ballpark.

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Driving home from breakfast, it occurred to Wallace that anyone who has a sailboat parked up on blocks in his front yard is probably insane.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Addison named Student of the Month at Edelweiss Christian. Leaving the ceremony, at Friday chapel, Wallace was hit on by one of the moms.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Ernie Fernandez leaves today on a 7-day square dancing cruise. "If I don't come back," he said, "it's because Colleen pushed me overboard."

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

The winner of the sweepstakes gets a Smart car, the casino promised. "And the loser gets two Smart cars," Owen said to Hannah.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Morty and Patience got into a big fight last night. She hit him with a mah jongg tile.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Wallace went to the art show. He learned not to laugh at the pictures in front of the artist.

[Wallace Noe @WallaceNoe]

Wallace attended a cigar dinner last night. Came home smelling of smoke. 1 hole in argyle sweatervest. Hannah made him sleep on the couch.