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My Seju-apologist reading of this Chapter 44 sequence 🥹💔
Seju dreams about Sumin. After waking up, that feeling stays with her, and she decides to go see her.
That is what makes what happens next so heartbreaking.
Seju arrives at Sumin’s house at the exact moment Sungji is there. She sees Sumin open the door and casually welcome Sungji inside.
And Seju just stands there.
The pain of this scene, to me, is the contrast between Seju’s dream and reality.
In her dream, Sumin is still the person occupying Seju’s most private and unconscious thoughts. Seju wakes up with Sumin still in her heart and instinctively goes to see her.
But when she finally reaches Sumin, the first thing she sees is Sungji entering Sumin’s private world instead.
Then the door closes.
CLACK.
Sumin doesn’t deliberately reject Seju. She doesn’t even know Seju is standing there. But that almost makes it more painful because nobody has to say anything to hurt Seju. She simply arrives at the wrong moment and witnesses something her heart wasn’t prepared for.
And then there is Seju’s face🥹
To me, she doesn’t look loudly jealous or angry. She looks quietly hurt, like reality has suddenly reminded her of something her heart has been refusing to accept.
Seju can still dream about Sumin.
She can still wake up wanting Sumin.
She can still instinctively go to Sumin.
But she can no longer assume that she still has a place waiting for her in Sumin’s life.
The chapter begins with Seju dreaming of Sumin and ends with her alone, trying to process what she has just seen.
And that’s what breaks my heart as a Seju apologist.
Her heart naturally moves toward Sumin.
But when she follows that heart into reality, she finds herself standing outside while someone else is welcomed in.
🥹💔
“Even now, after everything, you are still the first person my heart goes to. But perhaps I am no longer the person your heart opens the door for.”
Unapologetically,
Seju Apologist 🦊
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