chris Wineland

late night writer, comedian, husband, ex-gluten lover.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

If Dad’s picked up the Bible as much as they pick up napkins from a Taco Bell, we would have a nation on fire for Jesus.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

@ImKingGinger GEOFF!!! 😂😂

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Life hack: put on earbuds and walk in the park, praying to God as loud as you want.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

I’m looking at you @air1radio

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Attention followers: stop sending me emotional videos! 😡

I work on my laptop at a coffee shop.

In public.

This coffee shop thinks I’m going through a hard time because of my watery eyes.

Please stop sending “kid gets reunited with army dad” videos, effective immediately.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

My favorite part of going through a hard season, is how delicious McDonald’s fries taste in that time of my life.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Me: thanks for getting me these compression socks babe! They’re super tight.

Wife:….

Wife: those are your 2 year old daughter’s socks….

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

For those who didn’t get tickets to #ultabeautyworld2026 I have a solution that could help.

Get tickets to my shows 2026. And bring your boyfriends and husbands too.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Pastor: we make the mistake of not wanting to bother God with the little things.

ME: not my family, we’ve been praying for a front row parking spot and a cart that doesn’t squeak. And don’t you know, the Lord delivers!

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

I don’t see denominations.

There’s only two different types of churches. Coffee churches and non-cofffee churches.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

If you woke up this morning and the Lord laid it on your heart to give money to someone but you don’t know who it is… it’s probably me.

Just trying to help.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

RADIO DJ: if you’re just tuning in, this is toddler radio. We play exactly what your toddler wants to hear: the same song 300 times.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

I stopped proofreading months ago and the results have been widbdhx

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Stop calling Instagram maps toxic! Us Comedians need this.

“You wanna follow me? Great! I’ll be at the Funny Pharm this weekend. See ya there.”

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

PASTOR: Everyone is so concerned about what names are on what list…

But what about being concerned about what names are on the list for the book of life!

As we move to altar call…

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Not to brag but My credit card company just said that I have an outstanding balance.

I knew my I could be exceptional, but I didn’t know it was outstanding!

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Some people avoid staying outside in the cold during winter months. Meanwhile, my dog is trying to achieve the world record of most poops in a single hour.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

“Did you guys know that they not only banned TikTok, but they just banned the Bible app too?”

Youth Pastor says, hoping his students pull up the app for the first time.

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Congrats to Denzel Washington on becoming a pastor.

He realized the most important “Equalizer”was Jesus, and instead of being an “American Gangster”, He made Jesus his “Inside Man”, so he went through his “Training Day” and made his spouse “The Preachers Wife.”

[chris Wineland @WinelandChris]

Scrooge treats Bob Cratchit the way I treat Siri on my phone.