Wit of Steel

Take my advice. I'm not using it.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I can jump higher than mountains. Mainly because mountains can’t jump.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I show a girl who the boss is by handing her a mirror.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

Twitter is worth $10 billion. And that’s just in lost productivity.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I’m almost out.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

The fact of the matter is, I have no clue what I'm doing.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

Is there another word for synonym?

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

What do you call someone who’s scared of KFC? A chicken.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I love a good meal. So I don't cook.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

Suspect you have schizophrenia? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

All you get when you pick my pocket is practice.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I always try to pull feminists. That way I know they’ll pay for half of the meal when we go to dinner.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

The new Internet Explorer is out. Which means I can download a new browser even faster now.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

If women ruled the world, a country would get bombed every 28 days.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

3.14 per cent of sailors are pi rates.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

The neighborhood watch is having a meeting about the creepy guy and I’m the only one not invited...

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

Talking to me in the morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

[Wit of Steel @WitOfSteel]

Optimism: the eternal belief that you’re always one third of the way to a threesome.