The Dave

Father, husband, idiot.
I am second.
Leviticus 13:40. Look it up.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@BethesdaSupport @Harra__ no dice on clearing cache/cookies, this is a larger issue than just one person.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@mckenziecee and did you?

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@rhettandlink I made that ☝🏼. Not the video, the winner. Congrats, @BrianNestle!

[Rhett & Link @Mythical]

Congratulations to BRIAN NESS from ALEXANDRIA, VA and SOPHIE LANCHEZ from CORONA, NY!

We'll see YOU at the #BLEAKCREEK BBQ BONANZA!

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

Haven't posted in a while, but something has been weighing on me very heavily lately.

Is it true that some people zip their pants BEFORE buttoning them? Because this blows my mind...

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@williampaschall takes a lotta hot tea to shower with...

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@VancityReynolds I'm a skinny white guy with no ass to spare. Am I still allowed to vote?

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

So weird. I pulled some winter shirts out of a bin, but they're still sitting here, unwashed. This has never happened before. https://t.co/xDQBlM48aD

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

With my good buddy Jeff at an office function. I'm sure he meant to say hi but just didn't see me. https://t.co/ox6VzHbmo7

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

There's something wrong when I'm watching more Bachelor in Paradise than my completely obsessed daughter.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

I have too many toes. Can't keep track of them all.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@McKENZIECee I hate you for saying this. Now it's all I can think of.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@VancityReynolds Highly unlikely. Scabies is what you need to be worrying about.

Scabies.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

This could be the saddest story I've ever heard

Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation https://t.co/XrNkCKYaS3

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

#FreeMaritalAdvice
If you've been married longer than 30 years, it's probably best not to tell your spouse that you're ready to take the relationship to the next level.

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@McKENZIECee wow. They let GDIs on Facebook? Ew, I feel so dirty...

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

@McKENZIECee btw, it's all about fraternities. Sororities? Meh...

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

So I just found out that neither my flashlight NOR my sunglasses are tactical. What next?!

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

Wow, when Ryan Seacrest wears his glasses, it's uncanny how much he looks like me. Like looking in a crystal clear mirror. #twinsies

[The Dave @WittyNickname]

Sigh. This makes 30 consecutive days I haven't heard back from Charlize Theron.

Well, not counting all the days before that too...