Condescending Wonka

You're so smart and good looking. Oh, wait, I mistook you for someone else.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

I am always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Oh, a black guy walking down the street just said 'sup homie' to me.. Am I cool now?

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Your gift was a heartwarming reminder of what thoughtless bastards the rest of my friends are.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Lately I'm wondering how bad four years with no president would be.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

We all know a hilarious person called me.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: Screw it!

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Oh, you drive the speed limit? I have all the time in the world, please dont bother getting the fuck out of my way.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Oh, you wear your pants around your ankles when pick-up girls? How's that been working out for you?

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Nobody cleans the house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Oh, you got an 'A' on your test? Please brag about how much smarter you are than everybody else.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Have you ever been so hungover that you have to sit down to brush your teeth?

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

I don't like that tone of voice you're texting me in.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

I wish there was a signal on cars that said 'Out of my way, I'm about to shit my pants!'

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Yelling 'AWKWARD!' during an awkward situation to make it even more awkward.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

That awkward moment when you're stalking someone's facebook photos and you accidentally click like.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Do not confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWonka_]

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.