Joey Woznicki

Comedy/Video game/Rock music/Fitness enthusiast. Disciple of Neil Peart, Conan O'Brien, and The Great Gonzo. Caricature of a human being.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

I may have put in waaay too much effort on this joke. It almost gave me an aneurysm. Feel free to check my math.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Children are out here spelling outlandish words like rapakivi, bhubaneswar, and bromocriptine, and I'm just sitting here wondering why the word "clock" sounds like it has an "a" in it, but "cloak" doesn't. 

Thot doan't make noa sense.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Why do I feel like this person drove around all day today as a friendly reminder? #HappyMothersDay

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

@kevin_nealon Just change your name to Kevin Ne' Alon. Then you're first!

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Dear HR,
If you don't want me to stereotype, maybe don't name the Black girl Shameka, or the Indian guy Raj. We live in progressive times. Shameka could be the Indian dude. Or maybe Shameka is Shameka, but she sent the dick pic. Make these boring scenarios thrilling mysteries.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Many mornings, in the parking garage at work, there's a guy charging his EV, reading an old school, print newspaper, unfurled across the windshield. And it bums me out, b/c I know that nothing else I see that day will be nearly as silly as that #400yearsofinnovation #anachronisms

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

A man can dream though. A man can dream... #NYTSpellingBee

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Seems like a lot of work for some really small batteries...

Nevermind... Just a tip: Maybe make the logo a bit more prominent, American Automotive Association.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

I wish I was a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller...
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat?

Sounds to me like Skee-Lo aspired to be Magic Johnson.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

@danielmquigley You've followed me this long, and a joke about all islands being like Epstein Island was the one that made you question my sanity?...

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Just got back from a trip to Easter Island. Appalled to find out that it's just an off-season destination for creepy mall Easter bunnies who like to have sex with children. #EggsteinIsland #jokeIshouldhavethoughtofafewweeksago

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Tiger Woods was once again involved in a car crash, which brings him up to a triple bogey.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Chuck Norris didn't push up daisies. He pulled down sequoias.

He's buried 7 feet over ground.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Zach Cregger? Jordan Peele? When did respected horror movie director become the natural progression from absurd sketch comedy performer? It's weird that it's happened twice, right? Not bad for a guy strung out on a gallon of PCP and a man named Donkey Teeth.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

@kileynoodles I did the same for my slippery nipples.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

@jlorenofficial I don't know what the fuck this is, but I hope you're doing well. The world of rock misses your artistry.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Had the worst road rage today. Not due to bad driving. Due to this horrendous bumper sticker design.

Is it:
1) MeKindan people rock
2) Kind Mean people rock
3) Kind M̶e̶a̶n̶ people s̶u̶c̶k̶ rock

It's like they didn't even caret all.

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

It's either really unfortunate that I didn't make this observation years ago, or really unfortunate timing that their head shapes synchronized now. Sorry, Sandman, and damn you, Scuba Steve!

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

Sure, Younghoe Koo had perhaps the most embarrassing field goal attempt ever in the NFL, but it's not as bad as his childhood videos:
https://t.co/kpytOF9OPd

[Joey Woznicki @Wozman23]

@TicTocTick Good ol' vīgintīquīnquetemburary twenty-fifth!